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Discernment
Everytime I look at people. I wonder what they are thinking and wish I knew what they were thinking. For all you know, they are not thinking of anything. But still, I would like to know. I wonder if they would one day betray me or sabotage me. These thoughts snatch the joy from me.

I wish, that I had maintained the innocence of youth, because it gave me joy. Knowing that people would never be displeased with you because you are so adorable and innocent. You would not know of the cruelty of the world. I am dismayed at the state of the world and the conniving people in it.

I suppose I have lived in a relative state of protection in school, such that I did not realise the viciousness of people, or their unkindness. I strive to protect my self with discernment of those I can trust and yet still maintain a level of trust in humankind. I wish, things were as easy as it was when I was a little child. But it is not.

How do I then achieve the joy that I want? To act and react according to how I would like to be treated. To be wise enough not to trust or judge before I have seen true character
self harm
I started to self harm when i was 12 in year 8 i was being bullied & I felt i didnt fit in and i spent all my time in my room this made my mum worry and then we used to argue a lot then me and dad used to argue too i became alone and isolated eventually i used to make myself sick after eating and then i tried to commit suicide this failed but i had to go to hospital to be checked out. Things started to get better but then i made friend with a we both got into the wrng crowd and then i met the drug dealers daughter who used to share weed with me i began drinking too much and sneaking out me and mum began to physically fight - i stopped eating because i was going to go on the pill and i heard this would make you gain weight. My grades dropped from a*s to u's. My mum and dad read my diary in the end and im now back to where i started i thought things were getting better =/ but mabe they arent im 14 now
xx
moving on
I have been self harming since I was 10.
When I was 11 I took my first ever overdose. I will never lie to anyone about the reasons behind this, it was because my home life was crap, and I wanted someone to help, it was also because I wanted to die.
No-one in my family knew that I had taken an overdose, as I passed being sick off as feeling ill.
I stopped self harming in year 9, when a friend noticed.
By the end of year 9 I was seeing a connexions worker. In the summer holidays of that year my sister also took an overdose.
Because of that social services became involved with my family.
By the end of year 10 me, my sister and 2 brothers had been removed from my mums care due to neglect and emotional abuse.
By this time I had suffered from physical, sexually, emotional abuse and neglect.
My self harming began again.
When I started college it got worse.
I blamed myself for what had happened at my mums. I ended up overdosing again. In one year I have taken 43 overdoses (an estimate of 840 pills). I would visit my mums house just to steal her tablets and her weed.
She never realised.
My cutting and burning increased as well.
Last week I cut myself deeper than ever before, the college nurse thought I had nerve damage, and my arm swelled up because it got badly infected. I was in a sling for 3 days, and had to go to A&E.
Thankfully that was the shock that I needed to realise that I need to stop.
I'm scared of the damage I may have done to myself with all these pills that I have taken.
But I am determined to stop now!!!
I don't want to kill myself anymore, because that is what I was doing.
I have a life to live and I am going to live it.
No matter what crap has happened in my past, or what crap is gonna happen, or is happening now.
I will stop self harming and overdosing.
It will be hard, I know that. And I probably will have some setbacks, but stop I will!!
Music and writing on depression, self-loathing, self-harming and all that crap
Depression, self-loathing, self-harm - I've been there and want to tell you that I have got through it. Sure I still have bad times but I have learned that by talking about it I can cope. So find someone responsible who you trust - teacher, school prefect, doctor, a helpline or website and let someone know how you feel.

It may sound really strange but I now sing and write about it and I hope that it will help people feel less alone and frightened. My acoustic band is Bad Alice and our CD is about what I went through and also about how I am ME and that I don't need to be like the ads on the telly tell me I should be.

If you feel the words of the songs which are on www.badalicemusic.com website describe how you feel - you could copy them down and give them to your GP or who ever you feel will help if you can't tell him/her yourself. I remember I just couldn't work out what to say, that people would think it was my fault and that no-one else could feel as I did - but I was wrong - very wrong. No-one was shocked, no-one was angry or judged me and they just wanted to help.

Talking about how you feel will really help so try somehow. In the meantime I hope our music and writing will help you feel you can get through this.

Take care, Suzy
getting into the wrong crowd
my life is crap i'm moving to manchester my mum said it would be better for us new life n all that but was it?
we arrived at the house an it was nice btter than the shit hole in london but i miss it all my best mates were there i think i was better but i've only been er 5 mins so i can't really say that,
i was really hungry and i did'nt know were to get anything to eat so i just started to wander around then i found it new groove chip shop it was well nice der were a couple of kids there my age 1 of dem started to talk to me so i talked bak
eventually i had loads of mates i started going youth club i meet new people tryed new shit, I had two best mates t an k i thought they were the best ever mates but i was wrong t said lets go train station so we all was like all rite so we went n t pulled a big bag of weed out of his pocket he rolled a spliff n said to me"you want sum or not" i never tried it before so i did i had loads he would'nt stop givin it to me but i can't blam it on him cause i said yes
then i started to feel rearlly rearlly weird k said"your f......" i did'nt kno wat was goin on they said lets go new groove i was starving so we got there and i meet a another kid h t and k went me n h we were in the chippy and den it happend i callapesed and started to have a fit (u might think its funny but u would not want it to happen to you) all i can remember is h carrying me on to a bench my head was killin i went home n went to bed the next day t an h were ar the door they said i had a hang over i said ma head is aching they both laughed we wen't n got high again,a thew months later my mum new about me smokin weed and i started to kick off in school so she sent me to ma dads
i went to a new school met another best mate m he was safe he was the best mate ever but he did drink and that but the wrosed thing happend i'd jus woke up for school n got in ma taxi n ma taxi driver said"i got sum nasty news dan m dead" i could'nt stop crying i was so devostated i ask how n he said he was on cocaine n got ran over,i could'nt take it i was so unhappy i went bak to ma mum n i see t and every 1 they said weve got beer n weed u cummin 4 a session an i said NOOOO
me
check it man
if you wanna war den war but im tellin ya know your brains will get scaterd all over the floor your boys are battys they all scaterd because day know your abut to get batterd most man would get flatterd but me nah im diffrent in a good ways i aint know gansta but i stick to my hood ways with my boys i remerniss abut the good days
i never packed heat but dat dont mean i get cold feet because when i spit my bars people like to listen and take a seat because in a clash you will get beat see me im a guy dat aint down wid da beef cause i cant be arsed with the grief id rather get my head down but not chill wid da geeks like most kids i like to get down wid da freaks
stressed
Hey
i am really stressed at home.
I keep fighting with my mum and sometimes my dad. i just dont get on with them like i used to.
I moved recently and i am really missing where i came from.
I am always having moments when i sit down and think about running away, i have planned it and i know what to do and where to go, i have everything to do it it's just the question of actually doing it.
I don't hate my mum and dad they help me through loads of stuff but recently we really havent been gettin on.
why is life so hard
why is life so hard nothing is ever simple, i have had to struggle with these feelings my whole life things gor really bad when i started to care for my parents at a young age its never ending.. i just wish for once something would be easy.
i hate my life, why was i the one who never had anything my parents couldnt afford to buy us new things so it was all second hand, that when the bullying started, to try and make myself feel better i started to eat and eat and eat and i hate my self.
so when one day many years later (the fat me) accidently gor cut when i was upset and the pain i felt on the outside took away the pain on the inside so i thought that it would all be better on the inside if i hurt my self on the outside... how wrong i was.
it started when i was in my last year of high school i couldnt cope with the bullying anymore and thought back to how hurting myself made me feel. i thought i wonder how it would feel if i bled so much it would end my life so i gave it a try but i was caught and taken to the hospital where i was bandaged and had to see a shrink.
i didnt open up to them it wasnt any of their bussiness. so i pretented that the tablets they put me on worked and now years later im trapped and dont know what to do....
recovery
It's weird how those that are supposed to protect you, are those that hurt you the most.
My dad was always abusive, he used to hurt me until I ended up in hospital and he once nearly killed me. My mum always denies the abuse took place. This abuse continued from when I was little until I was old enough to stop talking to him.
I was sexually abused from 9-11 by my dads best friend, but when my dad found out he blamed me and beat me till I couldn't stand.
At home with my mum and step dad, I am mainly at the hands of emotional abuse which I can't handle nowhere near as much as I can pyhsical.
I turned to self harm, drugs and alcohol. I went through a major behaviour change and one teacher became so concerned she took me to one side and confronted me. I broke down and told her everything. Although they are abliged to, she said nothing to anyone else as she is aware this could make things worse, however we have made one deal. Although I have finished school now she stays in touch and although she has told no-one she has said if I ever come in with a serious injury or feels I am at harm from myself she will tell.
Thanks to this one person I know there are people who will help, and I am nearly ready to confront my abusers and report them and once again if it does not go to plan, I have this special lady who I can go to when all goes bad.
So please everyone who is in a similar position please don't give up there may be an angle out there for you too.
life is shit
ive been depressed for ages now. I dont even know when it started. As a result, Ive started self harming. Ive been doing it for about 10 months now. there are all these profesionals involved, trying to get me to stop, but i dont want to. Why should i? Cutting helps. Its not like its that dangerous.
My mum is a cow. She emotionaly abuses me. I told the school counsellor, and she told the social services, who came and spoke to us. That was stupid. My mum is also very violent at times. Social serives know, but dont give a shit. Things got so bad, i phoned my social worker while i was at school, and asked her to put me in care. She refused, saying Im ok living with my dad. Its not, he makes me go round to my mums, which i dont want to do. I told my social worker that, and she got annoyed and said 'stop wasting my time, i have got other cases you know'. So I cut again. And again.
Its the summer holiday in a weeks time. Great. NOT. I have got to stay with my mum. I hate summer holidays. 6 weeks of hell :( No school to keep my mind off things, no school counsellor to talk to, no where to escape to. This teacher that i get on with well, and i can talk to, is leaving. Life is just hell. I run away alot. I love the runaway life. Its like being free, and you get an adrenaline rush. I spose in the holidays, i could proper run away, and the police wont get suspicious because i wont be wondering round on a school day.
Social services are closing my file nest week as well. Sometimes I think suicide is a great idea. Without school, that teacher, social services and being able to talk, i might just do it. But thats my problem. At air cadets, the boss has started asking questions. Like 'why has she got cuts on her arm?' and 'why does she frequently have panic attacks?' and 'how come she has no confidence, and doesnt talk about her family like everyone else?'. Thank god for cadets. I really like the boss. She always says i can talk to her, but i cant anymore because my little brother has started, and he will tell my mum. All hope lost.
Thats my life. Its shit.
not alone
When I was 9 my step dad started sexually abusing me, it went on for 3 yers before a more important thing happened that made me tell my mum. We went to the police and stuff but now a year later she is still with him and forgave him for what he had done to me, I now live with my dad and step mum, but it was really hard for me to understand my mum's behaviour, I started self haming, drinking, smoking and taking pills, I even stopped eating for a week. Now I feel better, I try to set myself targets and goals to achieve to keep my mind busy. And I'm now proud to say that I haven't self-harmed for almost 3 months, which is quite a big thing considering I use to cut my wrist and legs about 5 times a week. So wherever you are, however you feel, you're not alone. Good Luck everyone !!! :) Keep busy and happy, the end of the long dark tunnel isn't as far as it seems.
so scared
GRR!! Things are so stressfull!!! i don't even know whats going on in my own house!!! Apperently my Dad feels like crap 24/7 and my mom is haveing overnight surgery soon?!?!?!

Everything is going wrong and downhill. it's so scary when you don't even know whats going on or whats gonna happen. i try to stay strong and think everything is gonna be ok but it's so hard!!! i hate this!! it's so hard when your Barely thirteen and all you hear at your house is how bad things suck and that your parents are constantly stressing and hating life. i want to have a fun, and worry and stress-free life but i can't. i'm basically just really scared. and need some prayer.
I hate my life, my self
i have this feeling for years. i don't know why...?i'm ugly fat girl without nothing to be proud of. i'm very different with my family...very different.
sometimes i wanna kill my self but i never dare to do that. i'm so confused.....
wots da point?
i have always been in care nd da other month my foster parents found out i was a self harmer nd decied day no longrer wanted me and dumped me back at a care home.

i was already really upset and down always getting into trouble at school for not concentrating because of what heppened when i was younger [when i was abused] the thoughts are always on my mind.

also one of my friends changed alot and started bullyin me sayin i shouldnt be here and that i was useless.

and that made me start thinkin sudicide thoughts and i still think them now. why am i here i dont desever 2 be here im useless as my friend said i mite as well be dead...
why does it feel like this?
after everything that has happened all the abuse ivehad from that one paticular person..
i cant take it anymore , everyone says "you've been so strong keep ya head up girl" well wen they say that it makes me want to cry
i dont want people to see how i really feel i'm too weak to carry on but i cant hurt my family anymore then what i already have done... there is things i should have said but i cant turn back time nobody can

i wish some things didnt happen then i wouldnt be in this way.. my life has been wrecked all because of one nasty person
hate my life
I have always had an empty space inside of me, and I have never known why.
For as long as I can remember I havent communicated with my family properly, and I've never talked to my friends on a personal level, I am afraid to talk to people about myself incase they judge me or the let me down.
I have been self harming for 2 years and I have lost 7 friends since November 2006, which has made me feel extremely suicidal. I feel like no one needs me to be here, and I dont have anyone in my life that can persuade me to keep going. All of my close friends have died tragically, so I dont have any reason to be here.
Deceiving friends
my 'friends' hate me
my life is crap
i hate it
i slit my writs with the blades of pencil sharpeners
have done since september when i started yr 9
im now 14
i go into yr 10 soon
im called an emo at school and various people know i slit
they all think it is for attention
according to them everything i do is for attention but becuase that arent me they dont understand why i do it
it all started when someone hacked my myspace and told four of my 'friends' that my friend rapes me
which he doesnt
the hacker then posted a bulliten telling them that it was all a lie
when i told them it wasnt me
they didnt believe me
i lost everyone
i had no one to talk to cos they people i trusted hated me and my family hate me
i was left alone
like usual
my 'friends' say i should get help
i dont think so
they say that life wouldnt be better with out me despite the fact that i assure them it is
i have reaccuring dreams were i die or kill me self
i think that all dreams should become true
i want these dreams to come true!
why??
Hya im a 15 yr old female, and fink life is shit. It all started in primary, i was bout7. I was excited to c my mam after skool to go to mcdonalds. Wen skool ad finished i went out 2 wait for my mam but she wasnt there. I fought why? i was devoed. Then i ad lost my great nana den i started to get bullied. From tht day i wished i was ded. Would any1 b bovad if i wasnt there.
I moved to secondary wre the bullyin got worse. I started to self harm.. I would cum ome sayin why me? why not sum1 eles. Is it cos im qutie. Everyday i wish i was ded, den the bullys would ave to find sum1 eles. I was bullied by ppl cos i am uglyer den them. I would cum omend get the scirrors and start hurtin meself. I jst wish i could tlk to sum1.. But ppl will jst laff or wont belive me.. Nd frm dis day i still get bullied but my "mates" jst laff wen sum1 says sumfing to me. They dnt really care, as its not them gettin bullied. I wish i was Ded
abuse plz don't let it carry on
i dont know why he had to wreck my life why is he so twisted ? i wish i knew what i ever done to anybody to deserve any of this trouble...
all i ever done was be a help and listen to his troubles , he didnt have to start on me like that .. i was so scared because he wouldnt stop abusng me .. the pain was unbareable i couldnt take it anymore ..i tried running away .. i tried telling him to stop nothing ever worked he was always there waiting to pounce .. people started noticeing him always hanging around in the park and my family noticed how i was always out and hid my fone .. that was only because all day everyday i'd be getting endless dirty messages and on my pc aswell. i never got anytime to myself there was no escaping him.. well thats what i thought untill i found a way out .. i wrote everything down in a notebook and left it on my bed as i went to school i went another way and when he called me at 10:30 on the 9th january i said " listen to me i cant take all the lieing to my family anymore and please leave me alone after this" he said "no you listen to me " i started crying and throw the fone hopeing that maybe my mum would find the book that day.. she did as well all she said to me was "meet me at the police station at 3:30" i just said why but she never answered me back .. when i got in the police station they was so nice but scary they told me he had been arrested , i told them the little parts of the story .. after a few weeks of being spat on by his 64yr old mum i went back and told them everything and gave them more evidence it was so scary but at least the abuse had stopped so always speak up please do it because it really does work out ok in the end.. on my birthday i did see him (he was out on bail) he called me a stupid silly cow) so i went and reported him.. now he is in prison waiting to be sentenced ... ive moved away from there... but please if anyone is getting abused or was then you really should tell someone because it does work out in the end...
the unhappiest day ever
hi this is the story of how i ruined my girlfrinds birthday !!

It was monday the 11 june (my girlfriends) brithday she was going to be 14 , and at break time at school we fall out and shouted at each other because some of her friends did'nt like me (i don t no why ?) so me and my girlfriend fall out. At lunch it got worse so bad i almost dumped her (i didn t ), but we worked things out but when i got home i was so sad and upset i got the bread knite and hit it against my leg and agan and again i start to bleed so i got some tissure paper and wrapped it around.
when my mum got home i told her i fell off my bike on to a milk bottle.
we went to the hospital and my leg was bandaged up and i when to my girlfrinds house.
She saw my leg and knew what i had done when she went out of the house crying, it take my 2 hours to explain to everyone why i had done it and i still don t now why.

It was been 2 weeks now and i still feel scared when i go near a knife or something sharp.
so if u do want to self harm first think of the people u love the most and think how they will feel and them see if u still want to do it
just this one more time...
I started self-harming when I was 9. My step-dad was abusive and my mum didn't have a clue; I got bullied and had sh*t results at school. So one night, I took a pen-knife and put it on my arm, I felt the blade sliding against my skin, it felt so good and I was relieved which was kind of a big deal for me at the time. So I began self-harming, with anything that cut, a razor blade, a knife, scissors, I became so addicted to it, that I use to take take the screws of my pencil sharpeners and slit my arms and legs with it. Then when I was 12 I started taking pills and drinking, I even tried to commit suicide more than once. Now every time I see a sharp object I think " Just this one more time" and of course I cut, I cut my wrists, my belly, my legs, my hands, everywhere. Just this one more time, I know if I don't stop, one day it'll kill me but I don't care, my life seems so useless that I stopped eating lunch and breakfast and making silly excuses to not eat my dinner. I hope that my worthless story might somehow help other people, good luck everyone !
my big problem neighbour
i have had so many problems where i used to live , my neighbour was alot older then me and in october he started sexually abusing me and playing with my mind... it started getting to much , people started noticing the change in me , i was so quiet and scared all the time he was constantly in my face.

then one day my mum found my book where i'd written down all the abuse .. he was arrested and on bail .. the last time i saw him was on my birthday he called me a stupid cow for him being found out .. he got his mum to constantly spit and call me names. now his in prison away from me and ive moved away from that hell hole. think i'm now starting to build my life up again but still upset and scared about everyone i can't trust.
Walking away
It was a normal day at school and i went to a lesson and i heard somebody saying somthing beind my back so i ignored it then he started to skit me out loud and everbody strted to join in skitting.
i felt a bit angry me so i told them to stop it and some lad offerd me a fight and i didnt reply.
then it was break and i told my teacher because i felt a bit scared so teacher spoke to him and after break he came up to my and said sorry and then we were mates. :)

the moral is dont react in a angry way
Days
Days turn to night and night can turn to fights a beer, another and another they yell they argue and i can 't stop em. i just sit in my room and cry locked in my dungen on lock down i can't leave they won't let me. i gave up on trying to stop them. it just puts me right in the middle, the middle of their drunken drama. it's worse than at my high school. they keep talking about things that don't even matter. any more most of it is about that past or me. idk y they think that i am such a problem i'm just sitting here at the comp. doing my work. i can't sleep, eat, and i think sometimes bout the knife but i'm too scared, to loose my life over them. so i won't it hurts too much anyways. plus that was me in the past, where i never want to be again, NEVER, no one understand the boyfriend is lovly but i can't love one person bc the example ahe has set i hardly love her but i can't, i can't even love my own mother. idk there is not communication at all. school sucks, i don't understand the stuff that is taught i'm failing and i don't think i'm g2 get me permit they tlk about me driving my self around but it's not g2 happen soon. but i gotta bounce their yelling again.....
Somebody needs to help me
I'm so tired of everything going on in my life. No, I was never abused, and my parents have the perfect marrige but it seems like nothing goes right.
My mom is a children's pastor at our church and as a result of that, she is constantly under tons of stress and we fight all the time. Another thing about her is she tries to control me and gets in my business like no other.

And she always takes up for my big sisters, they can slap me, punch me, tackle me, or whatever they want, but if I try to defend my self by punching them when they slap me of digging my nails into their arms when they tackle me, I get yelled at. My dad doesn't talk to me. The only problem with that is he lives in my house and completely ignores me. And if I tell sombody that all they say is "At least your parents are still together!!!!" well, yeah your parents may not still be together, but most kids have dads thatsay,"I love you" or"Goodnight" or "I miss you" I havent heard one of those things since I was ten and now I'm thirteen!!! I have been one of those people that gets fake friends my entire life.I don't have any real friends and I haven't in a long time. I think I might be Bi-polar, but my family is one of those families that laughs if you say somthing stupid and if I tell my mom all she will say is YOUR NOT BI-POLAR!! And never let me find out for real. I'm getting really sick of life and I'm readyfor all of these things to STOP!!!!
Biggest day of my life
My dad died when I was 12 . It was a huge shock it was the last thing i thought of when i was walking down the stairs. It was a thursday morning . Mum had gone to work which on thursdays wasn't normal i guess she was needed. Dad said he would stay at home until me and my brother were on the way to school. My dad came to wake me up and said "have a few more minutes" so i did . My dog started barking i figured that my dad was playing with him.Then i heard a crash i got out of bed and walked down stairs. I had to go the long way as we had a flat pack kitchen in the hall we were waiting for dad to assemble it . I walked through the lounge,dining room and into the kitchen . omg Nothing could have prepared me for what i was about to see. My dad dead I ran up stairs and woke my brother up and was shouting at him that dad had collapsed he ran down stairs and i ran into my room and got a blanket. He called 999 and i was in the kitchen talking to dad trying to wake him up. My brother shouted to me to check for a pulse i tried but there was nothing. I ran round to my neighbours ringing the doorbell like crazy . I then went back home and rang my mum i was in floods of tears and one of her colleagues answered . My mum thought i had lost something and i said dad's collapsed . My neighbours came round and then my brother ran nextdoor to get the other neighbour . Me my brother and my nextdoor neighbour ran out to look for the ambulance it came i ran down the street with the ambulance and was giving them his name date of birth. They took my dad to hospital.I went round to my neighbours house. Whilst my brother went to hospital with our other neighbour. About 20 mins later the doorbell rang it was the minister who our family knew well. He took me of to hospital. I saw my brother at the entrance and i said is he ok and he didn't say anything. He walked us in to the family room mum was there and she sat me down and said "He's dead". My life hasn't been the same since i hate life without him. I have tried killing myself many times.I since had other bad things happen i don't think life will ever be the same.
Its never too late
It seems as though that everytime I see a new therapist, I find myself going through a list of all the things that I have struggled with. It all seems so much. I am 18 and feel as though I have lived through so much self-destruction. But I am also 18 and starting to come out through the other side. It is possible no matter how hopeless things seem.

It started with sexual abuse at the age of 6, then that stopped but started again at age 8 till I was 10, then stopped and started again from the age of 11 to 14. At the age of 12 I started self harming, I became depressed and I shut myself off from anyone around me. Through that time I contemplated suicide a lot, but never went through with it. I suffered the loss of someone extremly important in my life. It wasn't long before I developed an eating disorder, turned to drugs and started drinking everyday from 12 in the afternoon right through till the night. My first attempt on suicide was when I was 16, there were several more after, running away and spending the nights walking the streets and sleeping in fields.

I have spent too many hours in hospitals, therapists rooms, spent too long having myself analyzed and assessed. Now I am trying to make something of my life. In spetember I start uni to be a mental health nurse. I screwed my life up, but now i'm trying to fix it, and then I can help others make a difference in their life.

If your reading this, life isn't perfect, but you battle through, you learn and most importantly you never give up. There is more than pain and anger and hurt. Just having the ability to laugh and smile again has been wonderful. It's never too late to be ok, as long as yuo never give up.
How screwed up can one person be?
Ok, so this is my first story... So, the title of my story is pretty straightforward.
I'm going to start right now by saying what's in my head right at this moment.
What I see in myelf: I'm paranoid, I am too quick to judge when somebody says something to me I always, always, ALWAYS take it the wrong way, why? I don't know but I can see myself doing it when really I should be laughing it off or just ignoring it... I can't help it, its like I need someone to not like me so that I have a reason to feel like shit about myself. That way I can't blame my depression on me....
Make sense? I didn't think so either. I have a wonderful boyfriend and a lot of the time the person my paranoia, anger, sadness and jealousy is aimed at is him and he takes it and goes with it because he's amazing. He says he understands why I am the way I am but I don't think he does. He comforts me and all that crap but he doesn't know the real problem and I think that scares him... It's getting harder and harder to fake a smile and act like everything is ok... Is this how breakdowns happen? Because I do not want that. NOT at all. I don't want to embarass anybody by freaking out and totally losing it one day, my mom would die... It doesn't help that I live in a tiny town where everybody knows everybody and their business, it sucks. There's no privacy here, there's no way to quell rumours, here they get out of control and the whole fucking town knows about it within a day... I can't wait to move to the city for school, I'm hoping that moving will help me "get happy" if it's possible to just do that.
I'm just frustrated with myself.
I refuse to cut again, although when I was cutting it did help... People say that it's not the answer but I found that when I cut it does help, I feel in control and confident. I am not suicidal, never was, doubt I ever will be I just am too much for myself to handle. I try to make everything go smoothly but it just ends up getting all fucked up and chaotic and just not good.
Just somebody make this go away...
A story
hi. im a 14 yo female and i have recently started to self-harm (about 3 months ago) the 1st time i did, it was just a scratch. i was okay with that coz i thought everytime i 'hurt' myself, i would b just a scratch and it would heal fast and no-one would have to know. my problems became more serious and the 'scratches' became cuts, really deep cuts. after a few cuts, one didnt stop bleeding..i was really frightened. i promised myself that if this cut stops bleeding, i wouldnt cut anymore. it finially stopped bleeding. i didnt cut for about 3 days after that but then some1 close to me died. i cut again. it didnt hurt so i cut again and again, until i felt the pain. by this time my arms, wrists and legs were full on scared, so i had started cutting my belly and the top of my legs. now cutting has became the one thing i do most. i told one of my favourite teachers and she helped a little, then suddenly she left to move interstate. now no 1 cares anymore. no-one...
Who am I ?
I used to kno who i am .. however in the last month my lfe has been turned upside down by my best friend/lover going away ... forever :'( i find myself sat alone in the dark crying for no reason, i fake a smile everytime i leave my room and im scared to tell people that im unhappy because i dnt know wot they'll say. i've thought of so many things i dont kno who i am anymore.. the more i think the more i hate who i have become or if ive even changed. Im in constant battle with myself wheather to do things .. suicide for example but thn i think how stupid i am to think of it. I've given up hope on everything .. home life, friends, family, school.. non of it seems worth while anymore but the funny thing is i dont even kno why ? the only thing it could be is him leaving and if thats the case i know im cursed forever.
Such a freak
Hey. I'm a teenager & female. I've been depressed and self harming for about a year now.

Last year I thought I was bisexual. My whole year group found out, and I got bullied so much. I got really depressed and started cutting my arm. I tried talking to someone about it, but it didn't help much.

A while after that I realised I was actually gay. Again, my year found out. The bullying remained just as bad, and it's still the same to this day. People will come up to me in the corridor and yell "lesbian!" And though I try to shake it off, act like it doesn't bother.. Inside it's killing me.

I told this girl I like her. She's in the year above. And she told her friends. Now whenever they see me they just stand and stare. I feel like a freak, like I'm not normal. I don't feel like I belong anywhere.

I cut my arms because I'm so depressed. Sometimes it doesn't hurt and I wonder what I'm doing wrong, so I do it again, and again, until I feel the stab of pain. It makes me feel like I'm in control of something.

I try to put on a smile for my friends, but it doesn't work, and they end up yelling at me because I just want to be alone. I've tried explaining it to them, but they don't understand, and I've reached the point where I just don't care.

I feel terrible, and no matter what I do, nothing seems to make it better. I have no self esteem or pride or anything. And, if things don't improve, I'm scared of what I might do...
detach yourself
Im 18 years old and have suffered with anorexia, depression and self mutilation issues for over over 6 years. i just wanted to let other sufferers know that illnesses are not your fault! they happen out of your control. Yes, in the end u do have to learn to deal with them urself throughout your life but they did not come about because of something you did wrong!

try not to get angry with parents or other adults who think that all u are going through is self inflicted and u simply "need to get your act together" getting angry will make things worse. Instead, try to educate them on your illness by telling them what goes on and how it is for you. This can be hard in the really tough stages because you hardly know yourself so its hard to explain to others, but if u can, help them to understand, there is only u that has the power to do that.

Try not to see them as the enamy for not understanding, instead see them as a student that u have to teach. U might feel a little more in control.
If after doing all of this u still feel that they have not graspd the idea dont get frustrated! for a start it is impossible for a non-sufferer to understand completely the torment of what we go through, they can only guess. Plus if that person has core, or strong beliefs on the certain illnesses in general, they probably are not going to change! But that is ok you do not have the power to change their mind set, much like they dont have the power to change yours.

Accepting tht this illness does effect people around you is easy, but to accept that this is not your fault and dealing with the emotional strains it brings isnt so easy! but keep strong and remember that feeling guilty for having that effect on your family and friends is going to make the situation worse. detatch yourself from the illness! it is NOT your fault!!!!
scars make it worse
i am fifteen and i have been self harming for around two years. i am depressed in general. i used to be happy and my life was ok, but then everything went wrong, i fell out with all my friends, was getting bullied at school worse than before, my parents took everything out on my, my dad hit me a lot and my home life was stressful.
At this point i only did a small amount of self harm, however then it escalated. the teachers at my school noticed some small cuts on my hand and pointed it out really loudly in my classroom causing all the people in my class to comment. then a few weeks later i was taken out of an I.T lesson and sent to a teachers office.
She gave me a huge lecture on self harm and then sent me to get my bag and then to go to connexions.
The woman in the connexions support place at my school is not trained to deal with self harm. after every thing i said she was sat there staring at me for a few minutes. This made me very uncomfortable. Then because of this i became depressed at school knowing that everyone knew. this made me self harm more. When i wear a long glove over my arm i can sometimes get away with it at school but sometimes i cant because the school is strict with uniform, i was asked to take my glove off in the middle of my full year assembely, of course everyone turned round, then my arm started bleeding. i ran out crying and i have never been as bullied as i am now. when i look at the scars on my wrist i do it more because i get upset that i cant wear short sleeved tops without a glove.
My boyfriend does not help in the slightest. He treats me like shit most of the time but i love him to much to break up with him. I feel so stuck and depressed.
scars
Hey.
I am 14 now but when I was 12 I hade just started middle school and I had a lot of friends and became quite popular. I was so unhappy. I would go home every day first I would cry, then I would get out my scissors and slit my wrists. I later got help, talked to a lot of people, went to a lot of theripists. I have not cut myself in a while, but I still have over 200 visable scars on my arms, and have to fight the temptation to do it again everyday.
my life story, yea right
Hey my name is jodie and i am 15 nearly 16! i have sch a shit life when i was four to seven i was continuously sexually abused by my step dad! i started to comfort eat and then i got severely bullied i showed a hard front and soon became one of the popular 'Barbies' in my middle school then my mum found out about the abuse and i started to self harm at that point i started smoking and gettin into drugs and alcohol. that was when i was ten.
five years on i have tried committing suicide a handful of times and all that i have got is liver damage from the drugs i took and all that shit! a month ago i tried nce more to kill myse;f after i got beaten up by my step dad and i am now in foster care and i hate it as i cant see my friends. i have got myself off heroin and it was so hard the stomach pains i suffered and i was violently being sick so if u get tempted to do it then DONT! i am still on weed and lsd and ketamine but it feels as though it doesnt help me anymore. in a way i have been a self harmer since i was abused i used to throw myself down the stairs and pull my hair out and hit myself hard with things but then from when i was ten it got worse i cut myself and hold candles under my skin untill it is so painful i collapsed. i also have sex with people just to feel wanted. i want help but i dont no how to get it!
Thankyou 4 bothering to listen to me!!
self harm
she sits there alone and helpless the blade in one hand ad her other arm at the ready to be sliced open and blood poured out
she takes the blade and cuts, cuts everywhere she doesnt think to spare any flesh.
it needs to be gone she needs to feel the physical pain it needs to overide her mental torture.
the blood pours out like great waterfalls it pours down and drenches the towel which lays beneath her. she reaches for it holds it to her wounds for a brief moment the bandages her arms.
its all the same day in day out she cuts and never feels it yet she cant stop it gives her a sense of control which she never usually has yet by inflicting physical pain just for that blissful brief moment that mental pain disappears.
all she needs is that tiny ounce of sanity which stops her cuttin too far but with her mental pain she fights back the urge just to cut to cut and never stop keep going until se reaches that bone untils she feels that last ounce of life drift away.
she longs for the day which will end all pain the day in which she can be FREE

thanks for reading guys hope u understand coz no one else does.
hopeless.........
im an 18 year old girl and im so depressed. for the past 9 years i have been self-harmin and im covered in scars all over my body and noone around me understands, i cant show any emotion but happiness so every other emotion just builds up n i end up harming my self. i just dont no what to do
friends, alcohol
My friends have got into excessive drinking, we are only 14 and the other evening my friend was found in a park unconsious becuase she had drunk too much the doctors said she could have died!! that really scared me and i dont drink so much anymore but i cant stop smoking!! i really dont know how to, i cant tell my mum becuase she would kill me and i live in france...
When i found out about my friend i wished i was in enlgand with her i know if i was there none of that would have happend to her, becuase im a true friend to her and i wouldnt have left her like her so called friends did! She was found by a group of boys who rang her mum, but she doesnt remember anything about that night so anything could have happend to her but she doesnt know!! Im scared that if i carry on drinking and doing drugs then the same will happen to me but i cant get off it.
depression
ppl these days just dnt understand how i feel.
i cnt seem to talk to sum1 without laughing or nt understandin.
no1 lstns these days thats y im like me i cnt hlp bt do these things an hurt myslf but i do because no1 listns i have to hide it cuz any who dose udrstnd wont listen of i cnt tell.
also if something gse rng i atoumaticalty think its my fault no mata what it is.
am i really needed dse ne1 reali need me wud it make a differance if i wrnt here?
Poem, outside and inside
im sick of crying
im tiered of trying
yh im smiling
but on the inside im dying
I moved into another country
well, to start this all off- i have an american father and an italian mother. I at first went to pre-k in italy, and then moved to chicago later on..(my dad's home) .. my mother obviously had gotten a job offer in Boston to work with the italian/american consolate. Of course she didnt think twice about it. She accepted. Alright so here I am in chicago, brighton at the nelson Kindegarten class...always got into trouble. Then i went in 1st grade to the Garfield. I always went for vaca to italy .. so when i went away from school the principal got hysterical on me. Then i moved to another school "our lady of absolution"..AMAZING school (THE ONLY TRUE AMAZINGLY WONDERFUL skool i have been to). So i went in second grade and stayed uo till 6th grade...obviously i had made friends , a family ... there was no one in the class that hated anyone. (at the end of 5th grade i got developed) and went to italy in the summer where i met a guy named adam and my best friend tania... long story short the most amazing "teenage" summer of my life... Then i took the ISEE to get into the "chicago language school" and to my surprise i got in!!! Everything seemed perfect until my mom had to be transferred back to italy. I attended 7th grade there. And it was a nightmare. Now i suffer from Anorexia Nervosa. And i dont plan on curing myself.
I can't stop
I'm a 13 year old female. I have scars all over my wrists and my belly. When i'm upset i just cut. I don't show any emotion but me being happy. I get bullied at school and when people found out i cut they got worse. Now i make myself throw up, take pills when im not meant to, i take about 8 pills at a time , i cut and im very suicidal. I've tried to kill myself about 20 times but people sometimes get in the way or some little things. I've tried drowning myself, hanging myself, slitting my throat ( i did a little but my cat jumped up at me), slit my wrists and i've tried to cut my heart out. I know they seem a bit crazy but i dont have the best of life. I cant stop cutting myself at all. When one problem is solved another begins. People at school are calling me a lesbian at the moment. I'm bisexual but they dont know that. Normaly girls are scared of blood but i just cut myself then put it in a glass. My friend said that i should be in a mental home and that she would visit me when im there. She also said that people take the mick out of me behind my back and that my other friends think i can kill myself. There all scared for me and it's not nice to know your friends are worried about you alot. There getting mean alot now and its getting horrible. I've stopped cutting for a while but it wont last long. I've been taking pills more. I dont know how to stop. I dont share my feelings with anyone so its just building up. When there isnt something wrong i cut myself anyway because i look back over the years.
I hate me.....
Heya,

I used to be so happy, on primary school that is, but then it all changed since high school. I thought everyone hated me, which most people did. I'm in YR9 and i'm still withdrawn from everyone else, the only people i can be myself is with my mates.

I used to hang around with bullies, i still see them, because they are techically still my "friends". They are nasty, two-faced.

I have people wanting to help me, i've told about 2 close friends to me, but i back them away and refuse any help.

At the moment i'm cutting myself alot with a razor but i am annoyed, i knew it was going to leave a scar but it is also leaving the redness of it.

I'm also very suicidal at the moment and think that the only way out of this is death, which i think is true. I'm also depressed, what's the point of living anymore?
\Slits on my wrists
I began cutting my wrist when I was 10. I'm 13 now. It started when my friend left my school. I was very lonely. I'd ask if I could sit with other people only to be pushed away. The first time I cut wasn't really cutting. I used a broken antena for the radio, It had a really scratchy end. I would scrape it across my wrist making little bubbles of blood froth up. It made me feel good. In year 6 I had a friend. We'd go to the park and scratch our legs and arms with anything we could find. Sticks, broken glass. Sometimes we'd even find metal, rusty or not, and scratch our skin. One day my mum found lots of scratches on my body. I'd say I ran into a couple of cats mating and we interupted so they scratched us all over. Of course she didn't believe me. One time i got a belt and wrapped it around my neck and pulled as hard as I could. I have seen a counsellor and haven't harmed myself for 3 weeks. My mum is proud of me.
Hello
i never thought i would be here to tell everyone this. i have cut my arms, punched walls, flicked elastic bands at myself, butted walls and tables.
the thing is i can get upset n really depressed but i can also get angry , really angry. and i cant control myself. something else takes over and i cant find myself again for 2 days. ive tried to take my life about 4 times and i really dont want to live there is no point. im ugly, fat with nothing to give the world. i cant even accept myself and i cant come to terms wiv wat i am. i get bullied all the time because im overweight, ugly and im gay. but how are people supposed to like me if i dont even like myself. but i am honesltly past caring. i just dont want to be here anymore. most people dont understand me and shout at me for cutting and trying to die but dey d nt understand. i feel so alone.
Self harmer
hey i am 15 almost 16 and i have been a self harmer since i was 9. it all started when i was 4 and i was sexually abused from then untl i was seven. i didnt know wat was goin on and then my mum read my diary and found out and thngs went downhill from there. you could say i have serious problems, i am drinking a lot and i am worried coz i cant go without a drink i do drugs i self harm and i have tried commitibg suicide 14 times in the past 2 years. the first time i did it was because i found out i was pregnant and i wanted to escape. the worse i have done to myself now though is ended up in hospital 4 3 months coz i had liver damage.i am finding life really hard to cope with a month ago got beaten up by my stepdad and i fought with my mum and it got to much and i attempted suicide i was in hospital for three weeks and now i have been placed in foster care. i just feel as though life is not worth living at all. i just want some help but i am too scared to ask!
dont no wot 2 do
im a 15 yr old male and i rarley ever cry but as i was cutting myself in my room and i did 5 deep cuts on my wrist and just looked at them for ages and started cryin.
i dont no why but my friend she has decided to cut herself because i cut myself and i am reallly worried about her because she is my best friend and i wud die if anything happend to her
she copies anything i do to hurt myself i was gunna climb this 300ft tower and "hopefully" fall on the way up but she said she wud follow me if i did it so that went out the window. then i cut myself all over my arm and chest so she copied me and i was so scared for her that is y im tryin to get help
because i cut wen i get angry depressed or upset and loads of people over the last 2 weeks have been having a go at me and tellin me im a stupid emo and doing it for attention but if they only new the truth about how bad i always feel
my story
i used to cut myself for fun and attention but now its got worse when i get angry, worried or depressed i just get my stanley knife out and run it down my arm or my chest.
at the moment iv'e got about twenty cuts on my chest and five running down my arm and 1 really long one that goes the length of my arm iv'e decided to get some help because my friend rhiannon has started cutting to make me stop and im scared that she will hurt herself. but at the moment all the people i hang round with are giving me weird looks and all the chavs at skool keep having a go at me cause i hurt myself but i have a ryt its my body!
it hurts
im 15 years of age n i've self harmed, taken overdoses and i've failed so many times, all i want to do is kill my self.
First of all i was bullied constantly by every 1 because of my size and because i used to enjoy school. so i ate to take my mind of it then i got bullied some more then i ate more, so life was one big depressing circle. my mum n dad started to notice my depression and tried taking my mind of things n getting me a job with new friends, that didnt help as the more friends i had the more people i had 2 fall out with as i do rly like being on my own.

however it was the horses involved in my job that cheered me up so my mum n dad decided to but me my own horse n it rly did work i had never been happier i started loosing weight and being noticed more by the boys n yeh i enjoyed it and yeh i did sleep with them i thought i loved them, how very wrong they only upset me.
then my mum n dad noticed i was upset n thought it was because i had my own horse i was weighed under with jobs n was becoming depressed it was quite the opposite my horse was the only thing keeping me happy but because they thought my horse was the reason for my depression they sold him....
i had never cried so much in my life, i cried so much my eyes bruised n i drew patterns in my wrist with knifes and wrote my horses name everywhere, i had lost my mind. but hey i still had my dog there for me. but no, he died 2 weeks l8er. i feel so alone. n i no longer have the abbility to trust n e 1 so im gunna remain alone for the rest of my life unless i get my horse bk
help is not always good
hey every one,

when i was in primary school i used to love my life i was a happy normal child who got on with every one. Then i made that big step that just totaly wrecked my life, i went to high school. Then all of the sudden i was fat i was ugly i was a geek i was a slag, i was called all the names under the sun. this and the fact that school work was weighing me down caused me to become very depressed which led me to self harming. My mum started to notice my depression so tried to get me out'n'about more so i could take my mind of things.

YAY it worked i got a job as a stable hand and i was happy i even started to loose weight and gain confidance. This showed, lads began to pay attention to me more, i was well happy. but then i felt like the lads were using me for sex then finishing me. this then led to more depression and more self harm, this is when i carved a very noticable Star on the top of my arm and my mum noticed, she was angry at me, not worried or n e normal reaction but angry and instead of trying to help she said why don't i ask my teachers to help (thats right pass the buck on 2 some one else)

then i met this one very, very special guy hu as a friend ment the world to me i could tell him n e thing n like wise, he ended up admitting he was gay to me but then weirdly enough asked me out 2 weeks later
ok yeh i loved him so i sed yeh then he dumped me after sex. i was devistated but we made friends again but unfornatly he has done it again and bought other matters into it, will i never b happy again?
My salvation.....
I'm 17, and I've been self-mutilating for about a year....it got to a point where I wouldn't even put on a bikini top or tank top cause I had cuts from shoulder to hip.

But then something came into my life, someone came into my life...and no, it's not god. I met a great guy, and from the moment we met, we knew we were meant to be together. We haven't been dating for very long but time doesn't matter to us. We are so incredibly happy with each other that he makes me want to stop cutting, he makes me feel so beautiful as a person. He doesn't judge me for my cutting, he doesn't say " stop or else..." he listens to me, and loves me for who I am...for better or worse, till death do we part....

We're gonna be getting an apartment together soon, and I can't wait for it to be just me and him!
Love?
I know alot of you will be able to agree with me completely in this but i am in love with the most amazing man ever! He was my first love and we spent 2 happy years together but due to problems at home and my aggressive father we became seperated...
This led to us breaking up and then i stupidly slept with other people so now he doesnt want me back!
Im writing this to say i know there are much bigger problem out there so please please take care of the ones you love cherish them as tho they were the most sacred thing to u.... without love i ache and physically hurt all the time not just my heart but my mind my body and especially my soul! Love is a beautiful beautiful thing but once it goes its gone for good so hold on to it!
I believ there is one perfect person 4 every1 and i have lost mine . . . . plz hang on 2 urs! I wouldnt wish this pain on anyone........................x
life bleeding on the floor
well, my name is viviana, i am twenty one years old.
i guess i have a lot of problems, i have anorexia, depression, self mutilation problems, alchohol problems, troubles with pills, i have tried to kill myself a couple of times, and my mother has depression too, and tried to kill herself last february.
i am not ok, i am taking prozac every day, i do not have a boyfriend, i am alone, my friends are away, my only escape is Gerard Way from "my chemical romance", he is my only inspiration in life, i also have a dog, he is kind of the only person (or animal) that loves me.
my life is'nt easy
I live a hard life because of one thing, my mum and dads 5 parrots. These make my life unhappy and depressing. I have lots of friends and they try and help me. But i have asked alot of people what to do but i need a professianal to help me through this and i dont know what to do.
all alone
I am 14 years old. I used 2 have 3 really close friends. Buts then they left me all alone, they are always spreadin rummors about me and putting me down. I hate myself, my body, everything about myself. I was anorexic and i still cut myself. i've tried 2 kill myself twice in the past 6 months.
There are pills in the bathroom cupboard. Nobody would notice if i wasnt here. Coz nobody cares enough to see my pain. Not even my family.All my parents ever do is shout at me, critisize me and put me down straight to my face. I hurt soo much but nobody wants to care.
alone
ever since a year ago, i either have or wanted to resort to hurting my self to relieve pain. my parents have a messy marriage and my grandma just died a few days ago. my dad is an alcholic-or a person who likes to drink a lot -i dont no how to describe it.

my mom found out a while about the cutting myself and made me go to a counslor to 'deal'. no one wants to talk about it and neither do i. i cant even be truthful to my counslor so whats the point of having one? the only person i can be totally truthfull is my best friend who i feel sometimes like i got her wanting to hurt her self too to deal with pain.

everyone has promlems- noo matter wht , no one is totally perfect and i've learned that .. one of my other close friends has a similar problem with an alcholic dad and my other friend is poor with a somewhat abusive dad and my other close friend has many problems with her b/f and her parents likeing each other. i guess what im trying to say is that EVERYONE has some problems and so ppl who feel alone and have noone to talk to - their ppl who can understand who are not a therapist or school counslir oor a parent. it might even be the person next to you in class. you never no. dont feel alone.
trouble
my dad got kidney failure wen i was 2 an has bein like this till now an im 15 nearly 16 now
my three sisters an mum r on antidepressnets becoz of their past, an i get bullied but i feel like i have nothing wrong in me life i have bein self harmin since i was 10 wid anythin sharp an yet i dnt feel any better bout meself.
i just want 2 b skinny an make everythin better but i still think iv got it easy wid everythin if u have the same problem will u add a story an say how ur dealin wid it if u r plz
Fed up
when i mean fed up i reli am. i have tried to self harm myself but i can neva bring up the emphh to do it.
im 14 and i hate mself. i hate my mum and ada, there splitting up u c, my mum had an affair, sumthing i can neva forgive her for. shes carrying on as if everything is ok, its not tho. im suffereing so much for what shes done. i hate her, i hate the way she is with me always so cold. never talks to me or cuddles me. I hate my life and just wana change it.

if ur in the same situation as me plz write one of these email thingings so we can read it
boys
I have been with my boyfriend for 15 months now and we have been sleeping together for 9 months, well four weeks ago i found out i was pregnant and i didn't know what to do,

i had a chat with one of my friends and they helped me look at the situation step by step, i have decided to have an abortion because i dont feel ready for a child but i feel gulity for making this decision and i dont know why.

i am only 19 and i dont want to be tied down ive seen what it has done to some of my friends who have children, i know they are not happy and wish things were different but they say that they would make the same decision again if it happend to them, i know what is right for me but other peoples reactions are making me feel guilty.
Poem
I wrote this poem a while back. I self harm and this poem describes how i feel

I am alone...
No-one cares
If I disappeared
Would they notice?

I am no-one...
No-one’s friend
Would it be easier
Just to end this?

I am invisible...
No-one sees me
Did I cause this?
Is it my fault?

I am scared...
Life is too hard
I can’t pretend
That nothing is wrong

I am alone...
But I will stand
I can’t hide anymore
This is my life...

...And there is no escaping it.
all too late
I'm 15 and have always put the people i love before me....since i was little i started life with a shaky start, i never realised how abnormal my life was until school started and i talked to other children, i never had a dad, he rejected me when he found out i was alive, it was always him and my mam, then she married richard, my step dad, who brought me up as his own..then followd my brother, sister and brother...as soon as my mam and him divorced it began, i would go between hosues and richard's dad tommy, would bully me and try and turn me against my mam, my mam did the same and all i could do was wonder why they both hated me,....things got worse as tommy hit me and drove me to a lowered self esteem. my gran was the only one who would give ME attention and look after me.

I grew up as the outcast, my mam would pick on me for getting all my gran's attention, tommy would bully me too, and so would my siblings, i soon felt alone and confused.

last year my gran died, the one person who knew how i felt and wanted to make a difference, it killed me to see my siblings trying to get attention for her death, when all they did was slag her off when she was alive, my mam got all the sympathy even though all she did was slag her off too. yet i was forgotten again.

my life now is worse, school won't belive how bad things are, i have to see a counsellor, my mam has cancer. my friends are trying to help me through but i keep breaking down, everything could of changed this if they had only lsitend to mm when i was younger, now its too late, i cant eat sleep or think clearly. i have attmepted suicde 3 times and self harmed. yet still no one notices

I am breaking down.
you find yourself alone
i have friends, i have 3 best friends. One of them i THOUGHT was my real bestfriend becuase for the past years we've been hanging out together experiencing lots of good and bad memories together.

Today i felt abandoned.

When i approached my bestfriend she walked away with this girl, i didnt say a word i just went away. My other bestfriends excluded me with everything they do. Lots of girls try to approach me and i felt good but i know they are spreading rumors about me right now, i've got no one. Here at home, my parents and my 2 brothers tease me about my weight and they keep on saying how fat i am and how they are all disapointed with me. I try my hard to make all of them like me but i still feel like i don't belong at home, at school or with anyone. I can't talk to anyone about how i really feel but there is no one. I don't feel safe at school and i don't feel safe at home either. I only like the part of the day where im in my room alone and sleeping because at least for those 8 hours even if its good or bad i know its not true and no one can harm me. IF i can go to a permanent sleep then that would be fine.
Poem
As i lie here with blood stained covers
I sit and wonder what's taking death so long
As i slowly start 2 drift off 2 sleep
I can't feel anything thing
All the pain and anger i felt seemed to drift away
As i walk towars the white light
i can here words beeing softly whisperd into my ears
its not time for you not yet not this way
I flutter my eye lids and open them slowly
and tears still racing down my cheaks
still liying here waiting for death and wondering when's it going to be my time
time to leave this god forbidden place and live in a land full of happiness and laughter
Only the belivers of god shall be able 2 enter such happiness but people like me
will burn in hell for all eternity
so i lie in bed waiting for death to come knocking on my door.
Violation
ello,
im 17 and i self-harm to deal with problems that have happened to me in the past.

when i was about 11 i started being bullied because i was little heavier than of the girls in my year.
All the girls were really skinny and at that time i looked really big compared to them. when i first started getting bullied i did'nt think much of myself.
when I looked in the mirror i didnt think i look that big, but as time went on and i got bullied more i became less n less confident and the only way i knew at that time of how to deal with was to binge eat
i thought it would help me but it did'nt. the only good thing was that i did'nt put much wieght on because i was exercising 3 times a week.

eventually the bullying stopped because i told told the teacher and he warned the bully to stop and the end he did.
it did leave me feelin depressed and i got through it but i still have eating problems.

one of the reasons i self harm is because i was raped about 6 months ago, by one of my ex boyfriends who even thou i went out with him i did'nt really like him. i started self-harming because i felt like all my anger and pain is dripping out of me and it gave me relief, but before i started to self- harm i was craving to just get out my razor and cut my skin and watch the blood run down my tummy. i have also cut my arms but i prefer to cut my tummy because then its easier to hide from my mum and dad.

As well as cutting i self-harm in other ways and my other way is to starve my self. i dont like eating in front of people because it just makes me feel uncomfortable the fact u have to eat in front of someone is normal annoys me.

i have also suffered from depression since i was 13 and i have thought about death alot, but never attempted suicide.

this was basically my story i hope it u can understand some of the stuff i've been through.
God will never leave you
I am 16 , and this is my story. I was and still am one big mistake. My motehr always says "you make one mistake and you pay for it the rest of your life. " . I love my mother , and she is great , but she certianly has problems with me. My father and I get along great , but if he sides with me than he and my motehr argue. It's a constant circle. My mother stoped telling me things. She sick now , but she won't tell me with what. I get so down when we fight. I can't even talk. I didn't notice the harm I was doing to my friends from being down all the time untill recently. I just wanted to die. I prayed and prayed that I would. When I woke up the next morning I knew something was wrong. My friends at school were worried and tried to comfort me. I didn't tell them about my pleas. It was then that I saw a girl crying . She was so upset. I walked over and gave her a hug. She needed my affection. SOmething told me that. This was Gods way of telling me that sometimes things need to be horrile to get better. Just remember that when you hit rock bottom the only way to go is up. And that light you see at the top , is God waiting to pull you up.
A message for you all
I'm 15 and from the age of 12 my sister has suffered with cancer.....we found out 2 months ago this is her last christmas and all i want to say is please all of you with sisters treasure them as much as you can, yes they can be annoying, steal your clothes and makeup, make up stuff you didn't do, and get you told off for the stupid things. but one day it could happen to you and then you will relise how precious your sister is. when i'm with her all i want to do is hug her all day long. but i can't cause shes my older sister and she needs to live her life. i know soon she's going to leave me but the memories will never go. most days all i want to do is cry but on some days it good to smile, to know know i still have time with her. somedays i wish it was me instead of her so i don't have to deal with stuff after and the fact that she has so much more to live for than me. i don't know why were here why we are put through so much pain in life. but in the end we are, we have to try and get through days even if all you want to do is sleep forever and i have considered it. but then i think of all the people that would suffer in losing me as well as her and that makes me stop. i don't know what else to say apart from please look after your sisters for me, you never know for everyone who does she might get a day longer and i pray for that every night
Hope
I've been reading through some of the stories and its all very familiar to me. i've had issues throughout my life which have led to nasty experiences, but it has to be said that things do get better. i'm 19 now and have suffered with depression since i was 15, self-harmed, attempted suicide, had body dysmorphic disorder, paranoia, a mental breakdown and am still suffering with slight social anxiety. i've realised that the only way to get better is to push yourself and ignore others who doubt you.

no matter how bad things are or how you assume them to be, you just have to believe in yourself and not give in to temptations. if people are treating you like shit, fuck em, there are better people around. Just keep at it and remember you deserve all that you want.
Freedom?
It was over. That last shred of hope was gone. There was nothing left for her to hold onto. This was worse than being dead. With that one sentence he’d ripped out her heart and tore it to pieces and he didn’t even know. He never would. She wouldn’t tell him, let him see, the pain she felt as it flowed through her veins. She would lock it up with everything else that she wanted to hide. It was just another couple of links in her shining black chains.

She looked away from him fighting with the desire to turn around and hit him, to make him feel some of her pain. Instead she started walking, ignoring his shouts for her to come back. He wouldn’t see her again. No one would. Now she would be free. She could break her chains without feeling guilty, like there was a reason for her to stay.

Somehow she made her way home and drifted in the door, her eyes unseeing, as she made her way up the stairs to her room. She took of her jacket and sat on the edge of her bed staring at her hidden work of art. She traced the lines, the silvery scars and the dull coloured scabs, the places of her release. Sliding her hand under the pillow she picked up the blade with its blood-coated edge and played with it eyes locked on it’s glittering surface.

Finally she placed it on her skin. She poured out all her pain as she pressed down, drawing it from her wrist to her elbow leaving behind a trail of crimson. Again she cut another shining line of red next to the previous one. A pool of crimson slowly formed around her and she let herself go.

She was floating; nothing could hurt her now. She was free. There were no more chains and no more pain.
Feeding the bloodlust
My mind has been twisted
My existence distorted
I’m a child of the damned
See the blood upon my hand
Then I grab you by the hips
Your eyes locked onto my lips
And then…

Teeth graze skin
And my fangs sink in
Blood so sickly sweet
Down my throat as I eat
In nothing else I place my trust
To quell the thirst of my bloodlust
But it returns.
My advice is talk
There have always been rows in my family i just took it as family life. then one day it all went too far. My mum suffers from depression and didnt take her tablets one day, we got in a row and she chucked me and my lilttle brother out. My dad brought us both home but it all went very wrong from there. I asked a teacher i trusted for some advice but everything just got worse. I ended up caught up in a cycle of self-harm and took a couple of overdoses but nothing enough to severely harm me. I ended up talking to the same teacher about this and she told another teacher who was also really supportive. I started seeing a counsellor at school and the school nurse. I thought i had a good set of people to talk to. One day i went into school and the two teachers took me into an empty room and told me they were going to tell my parents about everything. I couldnt belive it. Even though i was emotionally messed up to me this was the worst possible thing that could happen. I felt like the two people that, at the moment i most trusted in the whole world had betrayed me. My parents knowing made no difference because i couldnt face talking to them. Ever since i have been really down and my harming has continued. I know how much harm i could be doing but when i really need to do it i have to. Its like a fix. It gets me through and i dont no what i'd do without it. Talking gives me that same release though. My teachers are still there for me and i see my counsellor every week. Ive learnt to talk about myself and how i feel even though i am still a bit messed up. Sometimes all i need is to talk and i get that same feeling i do after ive harmed. My counsllor has taught me techniques to manage and they do work but my advice to anyone is to talk to someone you trust! Its the best thing i ever did. It means you have support from people who wont judge you and they might even surprise you with some of the things they say. I no it can be one of the hardest things to do but its is worth making the effort. It might not stop you harming altogether but it gives you that bit of extra support you need when you feel down and have no-one to turn to because your family dont no. It can also give you links to other support groups you didnt no exsisted. If you can't bring yourself to talk write somethings down and give it to some you trust to read. It could make that little bit of difference you need.
Vivid red
The vivid red flows over the white
The only clear colours in the depths of the night
Trickling from the innocent scratch upon my arm
It doesn’t even hurt no more, how can it be self-harm?
The scars maybe little but the scratched were so deep
The only problem with them is they’re a secret I can’t keep.

I’m watching the red flow over the white
The only clear colours in the depths of the night.
Boys!!!!!!!!!!!!
well one thing i have to say is dont give yourself away to easy to guys these days i have two stores to share wid u k......well the frist one was how i lost my virginity to someone o thought i trusted and i really couldnt. he just used me i found out wat he was really like cause he didnt only do it to me he did it to 2 of my friends as well he neva talks to us unless he wants something so we no dat when he talks to us he wants something so dont trust guys............the second story is nearly the same i cant believe i made the same mistake twice well i was at a camp and meet dis really nice guy who said he really care bout me and new how i felt and how at the end of the camp didnt want to leave me but dat was all bullshit all he wanted was to get in my pants and now he says he doesnt want to talk to me anymore cause he doesnt like suicidal people but he knows im not suicidal so yeah he didnt really care bout me he just wanted stuff from me......... The reason why i didnt see this coming bother times is because i have neva had a male person in my life cause my dad left me so and male dat give me attention i take it and now look wat has happened so please if u have read dis and u r in the same place as me please get help cause it will just keep happerening even though u try and stop it so please take my advice
The wonderful rabbit
i was walkin down the street when i saw a rabbit lookin at me really skinny and he had no food with him and he looked dyin so i piked him up and took him home
Alone
I think really the title says it all but i need help
i get told to stay wid ppl but as soon as i get bored of them i walk off nd cut myself. the only person ho understands me i think i piss her off she is like "oh let me c nd everythink" nd im lik NO nd shes like cum c me at 2 nd we will chat but i dnt wanna chat so she cums 2 ma lessons nd pulld me out

Stoppin is so hard for me i have self harmd for ages nd now i need to stop i have bin 2 hospital so many time
Odd one out
In my year at school, i am the odd one out. I do have a circle of people but we have nothing in common and i would never call them friends. There is one other girl who i get on with but appart from her (who is not in any of my classes anyway) I am on my own.

There are 4 girls in my class who are top dogs, the 'coolest' people. They look down on me because i try hard at school. Anyway last year they managed to find out my mobile number and have been prank calling me ever since. They pretend to be people from my family to try and get me to talk to them. Whatever i say they twist it so that i sound stupid and then they tell all their mates.

There is a boy in some of my classes who is one of the popular kids. He deliberately stands really close to me and if i ever happen to be sitting near by, he'll come and start stroking my back or hair. But he is clever. he knows it is my word against his and he has a load of mates to back him up. He also makes wise cracks in class and is constantly putting me down. It is a great joke for him and his friends for him to come up and pretend to ask me out or send notes with pictures of us getting married. I'm sick of it but no one takes me seriously. Everyone i talk to says he's just mucking about but no one realises how hurtful he can be.

I've had people writting fake love notes and leaving them on my desk. I've had people going through my stuff when i was in PE. I've had people spreading rumors that i was a lesbian (not true by the way).

I'm sick of it all but it never stops. Every day they think of new ways to put me down. New ways to embarras me.

And why?

Because i am the odd one out.
Self harm and how I stopped
when i was 15 i used to my arms to try and get rid of the pain i was feeling inside, i was getting bullied at school and i thought no one would care if i died. the bulling was awful i dreaded going into school and wanted to die. i was cutting myself and hiding it when my mum thought that i had stopped so just pretended that i had and cut in places i knew i could hide this went on for 2 years, then i started talking to sombody i had grown to trust and she helepd me find other ways of dealing with the pain. one way was to keep my hands busy by writing down how i was feeling this worked for a bit but i was back in my routine of cutting again, then she bought me a beach ball and i used to punch it, throw it and that worked, by doing this and talking through things i stopped cuttting and i feel so much better about myself now, im glad i found someone i cou;ld talk to, this would my advice to anyone who self harms, i know its difficult but once you have that trust with some one it makes a big difference.
Eating
I have got myself into a nasty circle.I have no self confidence, people tease me, i try to diet, i feel awful, i gorge myself, i feel fat, i lose confidence.

I just can't help myself. my weakness are chocolate biscuits. i resolve to eat well and exercise regularly but the next day i'm sitting on the sofa eating. I'm twice the weight of my closest friend. Luckily i'm quite tall so it doesn't show too much. I don't know what to do. my mum thinks i look thin!!! I have no support and everyone is against me. it's no wonder i comfort eat.
Lucky
I was feeling really sorry for myself and miserable. I was quiet all the time and some of my mates noticed and when i wouldn't tell them what was wrong they got pissed off with me.
Well any way , one day i suddenly realised that there are so many people worse off than me. Children in africa are starving to death and im upset because im a bit chubby. Some kids parents have died and im moaning cos my mum is protective.
I AM LUCKY!!!!!!!!!!!
I have everything i could ask for so why be miserable?
it was only myself that was suffering for it so why carry on?
So now each morning i jump out of bed determind to live life to the full (yes even on school days!!!)
I might not get the skirt i wanted but who really cares???
I might not get top grades in class but i know i tried my best and thats what matters the most.
The amazing this is that since i stopped being a grumpy guts, i have made a new friend , joined a club at school, lost some weight, gained buckets full of self confidence and ENJOY LIVING MY LIFE!!!!!!!!
So this is my message to you.
You may think you are in the depths of dispair but if you let in a little sunshine, it will guide you out into the daylight.
YOU ONLY GET ONE CHANCE AT LIFE MAKE THE MOST OF IT!
The problem with us parents!
I've written a few words from my mum -

As a mum it was hard for me to know my daughter self-harmed and harder still to understand. Anyhow we talked about it and so I respected why she cut and supported her as best as I could as she tried to stop.

We were lucky - we communicated really well (yet she still self harmed) but even so I was the last person probably to hear about the self harming. Anyway, of course I hated the very thought of her doing it but I knew all thse difficulties that she faced so appreciated where the harming was comng from and what was driving her to do it.

Anway here I am on your site as she has asked me to put a piece about us - THE PARENTS!

It is hard being a parent - we don't get lessons for starters - and so we do the best we can - and we ALL make mistakes.

We are all probably guilty of wanting the best for our kids and for them to have a better life than we did. And for some of us it hard to accept our kids for what they are. and not what WE want them to be. We are scared for what lies ahead for our children - we care - and sometimes we care too much - it is called being a parent. Sadly others times we don't seem to care enough.

When my daughter got through all her issues - and those who have read The Naked Bird Watcher (her story) will know she had more than her fair share, I wrote a little book on what it was like being her mum and how I learnt from her experiences. No,, I don't have the answers to the problems that you all face or those of your parents but if To Walk on Eggshells can help out with things a little I will be really pleased about it. Chapter 10 is where I tell the oldies to get to grips with self harm by the way and give them a wake up call - hope it helps!

You'll get there - just right now you may not see exactly where it is you are going
WHY?
when i think about it the reason why i self harm is obvious but when i realy think about it i dont know why. my life is perfect, i am popualar i have a good family life and excelent school grades, but no matter how good my life is i am never satisfied. it sounds so harsh and big headed when i think about it but i am not.

my whole life seemes fake and i thnk the thing that pissed me of the most is that people dont notice. i am the girl at school who every one comes to for advice, the one who helps people with there problems but never has any of her own.

this seems silly because i dont want anyone to know, i think i am fat and just the little girl who everyone thinks is ok.

cutting is the way i punish myself its not anyone to blame that i feel like this it is me so i think if i hurt myself eventualy i will stop doing what ever it is that i am.

i dont know what else to do.
There is always hope
I am a young dutch /australian Woman who is 23 years old.

From the age of 4 years old to 9 years old I was sexually abused by my next door neighbour. I was also physically and verbally abused by own father.My dad was okay at times,but when he was under stress or when he got angry , or when I misbehaved , he would beat me with various pieces of furniture and tell me that I was unwanted,a mistake and that he hated me.

I became an expert at wearing a mask.My Mask shined so brightly that it blinded people -they would never know what happened to me or what was going on inside my mind.

I lived in absolute denial for a long time , until I was about 21 years old.I was sick of feeling depressed,I was sick of hating myself,I was sick of cutting myself,I was sick of my mistrust towards the people I Loved most - particulary my fiance.I decided to tell someone my story.I told my best friend who then encouraged me to speak to a counsellor.

I have now been seeing a christian counsellor for about 8 months now.I am so thankful for her (and my best friend who encouraged me to do so in the first place.)Talking to someone brings healing.

Guess What?I'm not completly better.I still have my down times , I still get tempted to cut myself,I still get suspicious of people , however , Ive learned to forgive those who hurt me and I am on the road to recovery.Reconciliation has taken place in my family.I feel the best I have in years.

There is always Hope.

Speak to someone if you find yourself with destructive thinking patterns and if you are cutting yourself.Speaking and processing through things bring healing.Healing brings peace , peace bring happiness , then comes hope....your hope could help others.
Stopping it
Self harming is shit. People always asked me why I self-harmed but very few ask me how or why I stopped. So how did I?

I got caught self-harming (i cut) - and to be honest it was the best thing that could have happened The person gave me some relly good advice - and taught me to look for a more constructive way to deal with my pain

She taught me to really question why I was feeling so bad about myself - and give myself answers.

Did I feel bad about myself? - sure - so what was it that was bad about me - had I done something really wicked that day and if so what was it? - no - actaully I hadn't. Was I really evil and what was is it that made me that ? - well maybe not.

Also what I did was a 'good deed' everyday. Nothing major - just hold the door open for someone, or let someone in on the train in front of me. Anything that would me let me look back on later that day and remind myself - yeh - that was ok.

To get rid of the energy and desire to self-harm I would turn to alternatives - so I would punch pillows really hard, play my guitar really loudly or practice drumming with some sticks when I felt the urge come on. Music. Trying to play music is good as it really needs you to concentrate. Even go to another room - get away from the place where you normally self-harm. But there are other things too- Run, jump, swim or whatever. Even wash the dishes!!!!

So I would try do anything that could take my mind away from hurting myself. Ok it did not fix it overnight but gradually in time it got better and I haven't done it in a long, long time.

Since having someone helped me perhaps you could talk to someone you trust, the doc or anyone - don't worry they won't be shocked, - they have all dealt with it before and it would be easier to deal with if you had someone is helping.

Anyway I hope this helps
Self harm life
In my life, i've self harmed for most of my years, even without noticing; picking at scabs, making to things to pick at, were just some of the many things i did. when i went to secondary school, i stopped eating. i started to hate myself more and more each day for being a fat cow, even though i went down a dress size.
i started actually "cutting" myself in december 2004, i dont know why, the only reasons i can think of is that i hated the way i looked the way i was, the way people saw me. i thought i could change it and the fact that someone very close to me died. i'm an extremely secretive person and i don't like talking to people about how i feel because i was brought up not expressing myself. now i express myself through three types of artwork.
1 - Musical
2 - Artistic (pottery, painting etc)
3 - Drawing pictures with a blade.

one of my friends knows that ive done it. she says if she finds out ive done it again she'll tell my parents.
who cares.. maybe then they'll see how much i hurt!

i dont care anymore. i like how i cut. i just dont like it when people see it. i want it kept a secret,i dont like my body at all... i hate everything in my body... its ugly i'm ugly... i;m a horrible person!

i dont deserve to be the person i want to be, i'll be the person , alone in the corner of starbucks.
and there is nothing anyone can do.!
Best friend
My Name is Marylie
I Cut!
CAN'T I BE ANYONE BUT ME?
i dont have any friends i can trust.
they are too wrapped up in relationships or making new friends.
i dont go out a lot because my parents work strange hours
i live in a different town from my friends.
i'm not allowed to head into the cities with my friends.
i love the colour of my blood.
i love the affection my blade shows me!
my blade IS my best friend
Attention seeker?
I help out in the school libary every so often and most of the time i work with the same girl. One day i noticed scratch marks on her wrist and asked her about it. She told me she was really depressed but begged me not to tell anyone. I was really worried about her - what if she did something worse. I got really worked up about it and even though i hardly knew her i woried. then she started cutting deeper and she didn't bother to hide it from me. All my other friends said she was just doing it for attention and to leave her alone, but i wasn't so sure. For one thing she always did it when she was alone or when she thought i wasn't watching. And she never spoke about it to anyone. During a maths lesson she started to feel ill. she went to matron and i felt relieved. Matron was sure to see the cuts and was bound to do something. But later that day i saw her cutting herself again and decided i had to do something. I went on the internet and found her some information and some helplines along with some tips on what to do if she felt the urge to cut, like counting backwards and rubbing ice on her wrists. I gave it to her and asked her to tell her parents. She agreed and told her mum and has now managed to stop self - harming. Some people still think she was after attention but i am just glad she stopped. the reason she was cutting did not matter - it was still a cry for help.
The beginning....but where is the end?
I started cutting at the age of 8. I'm now 15.I can deal with a few things...but I have alot of things. Too many that I can't deal with. If it was just cutting and the cause of it I could deal, but i have five personality disorders that are all on the overload.M y parents just found out recently. My mom trys to understand and help but she's never had another relative that had this problem. When dad found me heaving with a bloody arm and a knife. He grabbed my wrist draged me into the kitchen and reprimanded me for my "foolish behaviour." He apologised later but said he didn't want to understand when i offered to send him links. I'm three days away from my next therapy session with a stranger. Wish me luck.
No regrets
About 5-6 months ago i started self harming. i only told two of my friends, sarah* and laura* (one saw my cuts). They just asked me to stop it everyday but i didn't listen to them at all. Then about a month and a half after i started self harming my friend, laura* came into school with four little "scratches" on her arm, at first i was upset that she had done that but i hadn't seen the scratches (i heard about what she had done from my friend, sam*, but she said that Laura* was being pathetic and was only doing it for attention, but i still didn't know what to beleive).

at break i went and talked to her and she seemed very happy and offered to show me the cuts, so she showed me them and sam was right , there was four little scratch marks. but i didn't say anything. I was cool with her until i went into my next lesson and i watched her go round the class and show EVERYONE what she had done to herself. I was very very annoyed but i didn't want to say anything to her. Then my other friend, beth* (she was acctually one of the main causes for me self harming) who wanted to know what was going on so i told her and she went off it at me in the middle of the lesson then sarah* started crying and so did beth*, then laura* did to!

After that the rest of my friends found out and while i was teling my friend mel* in the middle of the yard i started crying and a teacher spotted me and asked me if he could help me i just said i wanted someone to talk to so he took me down to this place in my school wich deals with kids who have got problems (behaviour or attendance). i started talking to this woman, who became my counsellor at school, i saw her every week. but then i started noticing that teachers were asking me if everything was alright quite a bit but i just said yes and carried on with my day.

when one day i asked a teacher why she keeps on asking me and she told me that she knew everything, i also asked her if my counsellor told her and she said yes! i was so annoyed because a lot of teachers knew!I started to go off my counsellor quite quickly. she insisted that she gave me a kiss and cuddle everytime i saw her and that could be in the yard!
my life started to get really bad when one day i tried to commit suicide. i can remember telling my friend who told me i had to tell some one and i did. i cried so much when they told me that they had to tell my parents (my parents already knew that i self harmed). i got admitted to the hospital to see a psychiatrist wich really helped but the other week i found out that i didn't need to come to the hospital and i'm so so so down now because i know i won't have any support any more. i've started self harming again and have become very down and have been like this for about 2 weeks, i've gone back to square 1 again. even though my self esteem and confidence was already low they have gone really really low. i don't talk to anyone about it anymore because i am too embarressed. i've started hating myself and i think i'm ugly and i really wish some one would love me. but know i've got two lads telling me that if i don't go out with them they'll kill themselves!

i really hate my life but i don't acctually regret anything because i know i have changed a lot since i started to self harm

it was the worst time and best time of my life!

* names have been changed!
Life goes on
Once upon a time in the land of nod a girl had a dream about what she wanted to be like. The girl saw life as beautiful and had a carefree attitude. this was Boring with a capital "B"!
As she awoke from the land of nod she decided to shake up life a bit, have some adventure. She started hanging out with the not so "cool" people and getting into trouble, i.e drugs, alcohol etc, and was on a high. Then one day, when she least expected it, she fell unconsious and was sent to hospital. None of her so called "friends" where there to help her. Critically ill, her parents wondered where they had gone wrong and blamed themselves for her mistakes. The girl never woke up and her parents grieved for days on end. However...life went on without her.
Moral: why shake up what has been nicely stirred by someone already?

live and be happy, don't be stupid!
Blamed by family, and boyfriend troubles
when i was 5 years old my dad left my mother and ran off with her best friend, my brother was only 2 at the time.

my mother met another bloke and we moved up north, she had to have 2 jobs, her husband was an alcoholic, with violent tendancies. i hated school i was always picked on.

i was scared to go to bed because of my mothers husband, my brother had trouble at school, he was forever moving to different schools.

things got so bad my mother divorced her husband and we moved back and stopped with her brother.

it was horrible i hated school, hated my mother. i was so depressed i didnt care if i lived or died.

then my mother had several other boyfriends then she found another bloke and got married, at this point i was at high school, and even more depressed i hated it.

then i went through a bad patch and took comfort in anyone showing me attention whether bad or good.

i didnt like the fact she was getting married again and didnt agree with it, and still dont.

then i met my step brothers friend and we hit it off, he was 4 years older than me but it didnt bother me. i was happy more happy than i had been for ages.

then along came the dreaded gcse's i was so depressed i tried hard, but if i didnt understand something i asked one day my mothers next husband to help me and he was explaining something but i still didnt understand it, so he simply had a go at me and called me stupid, which sent me over the edge.

they hated my boyfriend so much so they made me finish with him, but i still saw him on the sly, but they found out just before my 16th birthday so what my mother did was instead of taking me out for my birthday took her friend instead, so i celebrated my birthday on my own.

my step father felt sorry for me and let me see my boyfriend, but things were different. by new year we had split up for good.

i passed my gcse's with better grades than i expected, i started going to college doing my course, i had a job, and things were looking up.

i started chatting on the internet to people and met a few. thats when i met my boyfriend. i fell for him straight away.

then a few days later my mother found out when i was staying with him, ordered me home, i asked him to come with me and he did, when i got there they made me choose between them and him, so i choose him, gave up everything college work friends the lot.

i was happy again i joined up with a local college to finish college.

only thing was at the time he was up for an offence, which meant he could go to prison, more stress again, it was nothing new, but he got off with it. and things got back to normal, he started working and i was at college.

then his friend came out of prison and tried it on with me but my boyfriend didnt believe me about it, so we split up very messy and i stopped with his sister then we got back togther later. then things got worse and he was looking elsewhere. i found out on my birthday he told me had been sleeping with some else and kissed some girl in another flat below us, but the girl had been sleeping with sent a text message saying she was pregnant,

of course i went mad, and sent me into an even deeper pit of depression, we split up, and i met a nice bloke, he found out and then wanted me back.

me foolishly took him back. what an idiot i was.

then out of the blue, my sister had cancer, she had an op on her arm, and she was improving but when she went back they found out the cancer had spread and she was going to die. She died soon and some how I got the blame for it how i dont know.

then things carried on the same for a while. then i did another course at college. then finished it, and started temping for a while.

but in february this year my boyfriend got into a fight and his friend and is now up for in court again.

i was even more stressed now, then things picked up for me i got a permanent job, a flat, i was starting to fell glad about things, then one night i went out with work for a drink, and my boyfriend did'nt believe and thought i was cheating, we had a row, and found out the truth he had been cheating on me

since then things are worse, its all my fault appearently and he is up in court
Being yourself
I am 15 and lead an "average" teenage lifestyle. parents separated and school is boring. How do i motivate myself?
Having joined the club of "i hate the world bla bla bla" i know now that won't help me in anyway.
As a teenge girl, the social pressures are easy to fall into. some might say theres no such thing as peer pressure but then why are so many insecure?
Why is it sooo difficult just to be you? I say that all is needed is a re-shaping of societies attitudes to what is beauty etc and although its not easy, we can all do uor bit. I am not the preaching type but i just want people to enjoy life and not to fall into the pathetic trap of depression. Life isn't "easy" for anyone and wollowing in self pity ain't helping no-one, right? be yourself, be free!
It's all wrong
it all wrong.... why is it me?
why do i get the razor
and slit my arm
so bad
why me
why me
why not any one else
what is it for me
it give me pleasure but WHY?
Split up
when i was 6 years old my mum and dad split up i dont remember much of it but i remember mum throwing my dad out
my mum was hurt by some thing i dont know what but i could and it took me a long time to get used to my dad not living with us.
Then gradualy they became friends again and my dad asked to see me a lot more
now after 10 years my mum and dad have got back together because my uncle john has died, and they say life is to short... but i'm scared me and my family will get hurt again if they split up.
Boys
You know BOYS they are such a nuisance when you like a boy and you think to yourself that he’s never going to like you but then he turns up on your door step asking if you can come out and by the end of the night your In his bed or wherever
Thinking that what just happened could not be real and then you find out your pregnant with a guy who you hardly even know it’s strange isn’t it but I am that girl
He was my best mate mates friend he kept coming back for more this story is the third time I don’t know whether or not that im pregnant so let me warn you girls
Don’t sleep with someone that you fancy make sure your know that he will listen if your uneasy about it
Not so bad?
I read these stories to see if there is anythin i can relate with to ease to pain. Alot of these stories are about self harm and how physical pain eases the emotianal. Well self harm does'nt sound a bad thing to me cos i need relief. My head is tangled up with lies, secrets, problems, wishes, anger, revenge....depression. Self harm might be the next step for me- its either that or takin my whole life together, cos goin on like this is too hard.
Relationship
Right now i am in love wiith a girl that i can't let go... theres no hope for me to ever feel i can let her go and she doesnt seem happy with me... it may not be healthy but i can't help it... i feel shes the reason i live... the days i make her happy... the days she says hse loves me... days that mean everything to me.... last nite i talked ot her bout somethin that was bothering me... ive never told her sumthin that bothered me about her before cuz usually it doesnt get to me... ive had a build up with everything n just when i was talkin to her after school... sum guys came up n was flirting rite in front of me... i was furious at him... but not mad at her... i dont know if she took it the wrong way... but she was upset... crying.... and i dint know wat to do... i just wanted her to be aware of how i felt.... i wanted her just to know... realize it... n ya know move on n just show hse knows she can be aware of it next time.... after i talked to her bout it she was upset... i asked her if she still loved me which we have been goin out for 7 months now... hse said hse doesnt know rite now... im worried and cant get it off my mind... wat can i do to make her happy? ive tried to talk to her i need to make up for it sumhow
cuttin me
self harming is stupid but i still do it!!!!
i know it is stupid but when i get the razor i just cant stop!
one of my best friends did it and she still does, i started before her and its not nice.
i HATE my self every time someone says something really petty it gets to me and i just cut myself i do it deeper and deeper each time and once i stop for the time i feel so good!
i do it every day i started at my 13 birthday when my life went down the drain.

i have rejected help for so long and my friend thinks i will die if i dont stop. so one of my best mates told my fav teacher and now she takes me to a GP every wednesday when she just looks at it and asks me why? and all i do is sit there...
my other teacher randomly found out and she wants me to see a psychiatrist but i rejected it.
it's my arm and my life why can't people just leave me be?
Life'ss a bitch
I'm 15 and ever since last summer my life has been terrible. I mean i have a great boyfriend who loves me very much and good friends it's just my family. My older sister is totally out to get me and tells my parents lies all the time. My dads pretty cool but he always tries to talk to me but has no idea what to say. He thinks he knows exactly how i feel but nobody does. And my mom has no clue. she thinks i'm a total druggie and does not trust me. I just hate life so much. I started cutting last summer and taking heavy pills. Now i quit pills but i always get cravings for both. I dont know what to do and i just want the pain to end.
Happy endings?
my story is short, cheated on my bf realised how much i loved him, the guy i cheated on him with was into self harm as was i and the blood made us feel better. happy endings happened later. its sorted
Recovery and relapse
i am a 15 year old girl and i used to cut myself when i was 13. i did it for a half year or something and then i tried to quit; i succeded. now, a few weaks ago i started again. i told a very good friend and he really wants to help me but we both dont know how.
yesterday i cut just a little bit in my wrist. i scared myself and i threw the knife away. it wasnt deep so thats good eh :)
now i'm getting really freaked and scared but i didnt tell my friend because i dont want him to know. he'll be worrying for nothing i guess :/ i wont kill myself, i dont want to die!
Isolated and shy
i am 15 and i'm at home for the term (whole week) i do not go out alot because i feel like i have inappropriate clothes or unfashioned clothes. i want to go outside but i feel like i'm scared and embarrased. the reason i dont go out very often is because i dont have a lot of friends in my neighbourhood, even if i want to be friends with them they are too young to be my friends. my parents treat me right. i am often very scared to ask them for money because they may think i ask too much as we're not rich and live in a flat. however, theres this boy who lives next to me and i really like him. i'm about 50 % sure that he likes me. the thing is that i think he barely comes out of his house because of me and i barely come out my house because of him.
Loss and self harm
I'm 14 years old and started self harming about 16 months ago, after my dad died. Nobody understands what I feel like: mum's got a boyfriend and doesn't know I exist and my brother is always with his friends. It just feels like now my dad's not here with us, everyone's forgot about him, like he wasn't even here to begin with. I feel like I'm the only one who thinks about him. I had an argument with my mum today - she hit me then yelled at me to get out the house and I was out for 6 hours on my own, just because I was too scared to go back. The only person in my family I actually got on with was my dad, I loved him so much...I'm crying now as I type this cause it hurts so bad. That's why I cut,strong physical pain is easier to deal with than strong emotional pain. Please, whatever you guys do or feel like doing, just stop, don't end up like me. My problem now is that I can't stop...it's too hard, you become addicted to pain like it's the only thing that can help you...
Why is life so complicated?!
why is life so confusing - with all these decisions to make - when you are young you think everything wil be like the fairy tales you read - but they are'nt
u have to be confident clever and hard working to make it anywhere otherwise there's no point!
how can you decide whats right for you, what subjects to do what job what food at times too?!
there are too many options and life is way too hard!
Living again
She was happy and fun a lively child
She was always ready to go like she came from the wild
She was bouncy and funny a really sweet girl
She would always laugh spin and twirl


You see this girl is really dim
She has a line in her head its really thin
Once she had crossed this line
It was only a matter of time


There are many people hear today
Who have lost some one in this horrid way
She said she had no choice there was no way
But look who is standing hear who has to pay


You see this girl she was depressed inside
She said she was fine look who lied
If she had only said 1 thing
But know she throwed her life in the bin


Did you know the girl has feeling as well
She was broken and lost she had been through hell
She felt lost alone and rejected
She did not feel at all protected


This girl she sat with her knife
She new what to do end her life
She took the knife and stabbed her heart
She didn’t think who she would rip apart.
-----------------------
the girl in my poem is me so close to death yet knowing life could get bettter her story started way back when i cant rember and it is yet to end one long journey
Is it my life? or hell
Im a young teen girl tring to survive in this world.

My life was perfect until seventh grade. In seventh grade my parents start having problems but they didint kniow what was happening to me or what my feeling where because they where so caught up in their eternal fight that they did'nt even talk to me.

I start cutting myself scince I was 12 ... I havent stopped. I used to say in school that all the scars that i have and the blood stains on my sleeve where because i have fighting with my cat or whatever.... I always pulled an excuse. But one day my best friend was searching in my bookbag and founf a napkin covered in blood and a surgical blade so... she asked me why I have that on my bookbag and I try to pull and excuse but it was useless ... she found out and she talks to the counselor of the school. then the rumours spread in the entire school. The counselor called my mom and tell her everything and my mom told my dad and they get me to a mental health doctor

It did'nt work out....... now days Im going to the same doctor and I still don't see any results at all.

Yes I know that this is a problem but i've said that... I DON'T NEED THERAPY THIS IS MY THERAPY....
My pain
its like a drug i want more and more
it makes me feel better
the cuts mean i can breathe again
living this life of pain
lying with laughter
smiling with sadness

why do i do this?
why does it make me feel this way?
maybe cause i should

i was born this way with pain in my heart and laughter on my face
i need help
but i cant find the voice

i want to reach my hand out and hold your hand in mine but its not like my hand because you're different you dont understand

people think of me as a laugh and a joke but is it funny with blood running down my arm and tears my face?

i know i shouldnt but its the only way to feel free

but in the end its all on me
self harm
ive been self harming for over a year now and even though i'm on drugs (anti-depressians) i still feel bad my mates say its cause i dont use them enough but i dont no wot to do? my mate uses self harming for attention. i get so angry that she does it to be noticed and doesnt realise other people cant help being depressed and need treatment, and she just does it to be liked. thats sick! i would do anything to have friends and people who love me and treat me as a person. she just throws it away just to be popular. well if thats the case whats the point in trying......
Coping? and alone
About two years ago i got really down and i cut my wrists, well it wasn'y really my wrists it was the back of my wrists. I was really ashamed because I didn't want people to think I was looking for attention so I told people that my cat scrached me and they generally belived it. I had never done it since then because it seemed like I was back in control of my life again... but at the start of February this year I started cutting the tops of my leggs. The first time i did it it was kind of a way to punish myself because I'd not been doing as well as normal in school and I was making life hard for my parents. Now it has become a way to cope with my problems and instead of writing my probelms down or descussing them I cut myeslf. when I was trying on a new swimming costume for my holidays this summer my mum came into the changing room when I had it on to see what it looked like and saw my legs and knew what I had been doing. I told her that I only did it once and would never do it again but it seems now it has become a way to cope and I'm finding it hard not to. I feel really stupid for doing it because when I compare my life to others it is not that hard. I know it seems like it's just because I feel sorry for myself but its more because I feel worthless all the time becuase I don't have alot of realy friends, no lads are ever interested in me and I find it really hard to get on with my family so when I have a problem I have no one to talk to about it and it escalates to the point where I become very depressed and anxious about every day things and self harming is the only way to cope with my problems.
My psychopathic best friend
i have had enough. one of my best friends got thrown out when she was 15 and my mum has taken her in. She has ben through all sorts of abuse and as the result of that we beleive her to be a psychopath.
She has been living with us for 8 months now, things were ok at first and i had to make a few sacrifices for her, but recently she has been getting worse and she has an anger problem, she stresses out at me and her friends almost every night and when i ask if she is ok she will shout at me as if its my fault and walk off. Sshe thinks every adult is against her and shows no emotion, guilt or feelings.
She has crushed my self esteem, my confidence and made me feel like i am the worst friend in the world. I can't go out anymore because she won't talk to me for 3 days because i didn't tell her or never go out with her.
Well i have had enough of her not being appreciative of living here, I WANT HER OUT OF MY HOUSE! I've given it much thought and i know its bad because she has already been kicked out by her mum but i feel like its hopeless.
What's the point in having a friend who makes you cry and feel like there is no one left in the world?

Well i realise that something has to be done and new friends can be made, it is not right for ANYONE to be treated like this and i just want to say to anyone who is being emotionally or physically abused that there is help out there and i beg you to turn to a caring person when you are in desperate need!!
*cry*
man i hate my life its crap, this may sound totally stupid and dangerous but ive been trying to find love by sex its stupid i no but its makeing my feel bad. i wish i could change everyone sees me and the boys want me for sex i dont want that ,i dont no wot i want...i hate my fcukin life its shit!!!
Getting pregnant
hey im 16 and i got drunk at a party it was cool all my mates were there and it was a laugh. but when a guy asked to get me a drink i just said yes and didnt think anything of it,anyway he spiked it!!! and we had sex....i couldnt remeber much. i had missed period so i went to the gp they told me i was pregnant and i should tell my mother...she freaked!!!! she hated me for it and still does :-( anyway i kept the baby and thought i could get on with life but wen i held her( her name lola) everything changed: i lost contact with mates, fglling behind in school and had to work to pay for food and nappies and stuff. it was tough and still is and if this ever happens to i your life will change!! thats the honest truth but in the end it will be alrite!! so stay stong and never give up ive been there so u can trust me!
my story
I start self- harming a year ago. Because my parents were going to divorce and I always was thinking that it was my fault. to free my problems and pain i cut myself. since then i hyavent been able to step out of it .I need help. I is my addiction. there was one time that i can't live without self harming myself and hour. Today I still self harm and i dont recomend this to no body. Thus is very bad thing to do. for me is and addiction like drugs and i havent been able to step out of it. If you feel sad, angry or depressed serch for other thigs but please dont choose self harm or you will end up like me.
garage for girls
I've always wondered if the music industry truely excepts girls into the industry of garage, rapping, hip hop etc. Because normally the ones that are doing succesful are the ones that can sing, the ones who are beautiful, or the ones that flaunt everything they have out to the world! The only woman in the industry that i feel has truly got respect is Missy Eliot, however thereprobably has been other few exceptions. I know that we are taught to see males and females as equals but i believe it will never be that way because there are little things still today that seperate the worlds of men and women. If anyone has any conclusions pleas write another story. thnks. xxx
self-harmer
hi! my name is suzy.

Im a cutter or self -harmer. ther reaseon why im going to tell you how i started is for you not to ever think of doing it.

a year ago my parents were thinking of getting divorce and that really affect me because evry day in my home was a fight i used to go to y room with a purple color swiccoer and cut cuz'
well i didint have nobody o talk abut. My best friend find out that i was cutting and she took m,e to the couselor of the school. she told me that there was no valid reason in the worl for mr to self harm but i didnt pay to much attention to it.

I stop self harming for 2 moths beacause my parents stop fightning and start getting help then i was realize and bye the way my parents also find out.

Then i start having trobles with my boyfriend and the boys in the school. i start thining that i wasent good enough and that i was ugly and fat then i get to anorexxia and bulimia.

the boy that i like notice that i was strange and depressed (my acttitude has changed a lot back then) then he started helping me and then he find out that i like him then started ignoring me and then i started cutting again. and then it was when i realized that he didnt like what i do but he was making me do that.

Now i cant step out of my habit i need to cut and i dont recomend this to anybody

please dont self harm there is people that loves you and the cares about you even the people that you think about.
Why am I here?
i feel really low i dont no wot to do? i mean im never happy and when i am it doesnt last long. i constantly cry and think about death and think my life is a waste of time :-( . i have friends but they dont come after school as they know i wont come out. my family think im being bullied im not but thats wot they think. its not fair i cant concentrate at school and i get in trouble as i lash out on my teachers.....why do i bother no-one would care if i was gone
Sigh
In my life, It's just one thing after the other.

I'm 17. And in the two years:
My dad has had an affair with my best friend's mum
My mum got breast cancer
I got bullied so bad that i had to go to court

Amoungst other things. I have no money, and I'm struggling to find the money to get to college. I'm having trouble with my ''friends''. People at college dislike me for some unknown reason. I hate my body. I hate my head.

I'm so paranoid. If i hear someone laugh, i'll instantly think they are laughing at me. I think everyone's staring at me. When I pick my clothes in the morning, i pick them, wondering what other people will think of them. I'm so muddled.

I want to be truly happy again. It's just one thing after another.

I've thought about killing myself. Of course I have. I'm thinking about it now. But what's the point? Things could get better couldn't they? And plus, my mum has been through alot, and i dont want to put her through it.
Grand Canyon of my life
I loved my life up to the 7th grade. I had a lot of friends and the best teachers and good grades. After the seventh grade I had lost most of my friends to popularity. My boyfriend dumped me and is now with who I thought was my best friend. My parents fight a lot now at home. I cry myself to sleep 4 nights a week. My graades have dropped. I hurt myself and I don't really eat. My life is not very good right now.
mirror mirror
mirror mirror on the wall
why are you so mean
can u please make me look pretty
and change what i am seeing
i'd appreciate a smaller nose
and smaller ears to
you can take away the ugly mole
and maek my eyes look blue
please give me darker skin
maybe not so dry
you can take away th weird dot just underneath my eye
mirror mirror on the wall
please change all you can
because i ahte it when i see my self
and i hate the way i am
confused
i am totally confused i had the best childhood anybody could ask for whaterver i wanted i got handed on a plate i didnt need to ask twice but when i stated senior school things turned round i was aruing with my paerent i started smoking self-harming i went against my mums and dads wishes and got my tongue peirced i compleatly ruined my mothers self confidence and totally recked the way things were i dont know why i did this i destroyed the family and things will never be the same i know i need help but i dont want to hurt them anymore than i have done already
Mind games?
Me and my mates had decided to go out in the half term trampolining and bowling well when we went to school the next my mate was moaning and having a go at me calling me a bitch and teling me i always wanted to be centre of attention well that is a load of crap. Any way she was in a stress becoz my mate hadnt invited her even though there was still a week before we were going anyway but she wouldnt listen it took us a week to convince her that we didnt do it to be mean we just know that she doesnt really like trampolining so there werent much point for her to come and stand there. Well after we made up we invited her to come with us and she went no because i dont like trampolining we went well that is y we didnt invite u in the first oplace so now she is in a strop because w invited her i think she needs to sort herself out. We have now changed her plans for her and 30 minutes before we were going to go she phoned and said sorry i dont want to come i wont enjoy it surely she sould of said that before.If we ask her about why she is like that she dont talk to us for a week.
Alcohole
Monday 25th October i went over 2 a m8s house. I knew her parents were not going to be there and had not told my parents. I took two bottles of vodka and 8 bottles of smirnoff ice. As soon as i arrived we started drinking the smirnoffs. We had two bottles each. We then decided to play a vodka shot game. After we had all had about 9 shots, a girl and i decided to walk to the park. That is all i can remember. On Thursday i called up my mates and asked them what had happened. The girl i had been with lost me and so went back to get the others to help look. A car nearly drove into me just before they caught me. But i ran off and so they went back home to tell one of their brothers. Their brother called the police. My parents then told me that the police had called round our house at about 2am. They had been asking for a recent photo as i was a missing person. They told my parents that they had helicopters, sniffer dogs and police officers all over the place and that they would find me. I was found on Tuesday 26th at 5:30am, i remember someone saying that time. The first thing that i remember after walking to the park is two guys coming over and helping me into a car. I rested my head on the bars. They then took me out and wrapped loads of blankets around me and helped me into an ambulance. Once i arrived at hospital i had to have my stomach pumped and a drip in my hand. Because i was 15, they did not want to let me go home untill my heart rate had slowed down from 145 back to normal(60-80). I came out on Thursday and eventhe thought of Vodka makes me sick. I think i would prpbably die if i ever try it again.
I would advise anyone who is planning on having vokda shots NOT TO. i will never be able to remember about 6 hours of my life and it is very frightening to think what could have happened if i was anywher near where people hang out. It could have been much worse.
Not fair
i use to love everything about my life but when i turned 8 it all started to go down hill. I walked in on my dad and another women i was 8 so i didnt really understand but i could tell sumthing wasnt right worst thing was the women was my mums friend this wasnt the 1st time in the end i told my mum everything they divorced not only for that reason but my dad wasnt very good when it came to being trust worthy he upset my mum so much and i as a child tryed to help but i only got in the way, we moved away to Yorkshire i know land of the sheep right. I had a crap time up there i have eplepsy so drewing the stages of becoming a women i was having fits every day and i got builled realy bad a boy hit me in the face for it. We moved backed down to Surrey AGAIN and i joined a new school great new friends fresh beginning i thought wrong one day couple weeks into my new school i got some mates and we dceided to go to this club quake it was gonna be great fun i thought. I got home begged my mum to go but she didnt let me i threw a strop and my dad was called round he was already angry i couldnt believe what happend next. My dad came over took me in the other room we started to argue really badly then he punched me in the face then he my stomach i was screaming for him to get off me but he wouldnt the punches just kept coming every angle i was bleeding i tried punching back but no use i was screaming he told me if i didnt shut up he would kill me with my brothers cricket bat i was in shock iv always been so close to my dad my mum and auntie came in screaming telling them to go he started to push them about so they called the police they were in shock i cant reamber much after that apart from few days later i got a note from my dad saying sorry. HE GOT AWAY WITH WHAT HE DID TO ME BECAUSE I LET HIM IF I HAD TAKEN HIM TO COURT WE WOULD HAVE TO MOVE AGAIN and it was unfair on my brothers and sister plus my mum wouldnt be able to afford to libe so i didnt pressed charges im 17 now but im still hurt and i suffer with mild depression and i have problems with my anger which got me into trouble alot but now im seeing anger mangerment and its really helping me i was too close to comitting suicide cause of my dad but now i think my future is looking bright im finding ways to deal with my emotion instead of fighting or lashing out insted i keep a diary and i find it really helps me because i let all my emotions out or u can just use a punching bag either it helps me.
Recovery
We are all unique and it is this uniqueness that makes this world so a fascinating . Take me for example – I am 31 and hopeless at riding bikes. No, really. I have ended up in hospital several times from being ejected over my handlebars and meeting a sudden and rather painful collision with the road. Not much fun. I play lead guitar in a band (we ROCK), enjoy reading, writing and drinking copious quantities of coffee whilst admitting to being hopelessly addicted to nicotine. Ah well! Oh yeah, and I happen to have manic depression.

It’s important to remember that we all have a level of mental health, much in the same way as we have physical health, and either of them can become unwell at times. When you realise that 1in 4 people will develop some form of mental illness in their life – perhaps in an isolated incident - it makes you take a good look at yourself, your family and your friends and wonder who will be affected. So it is going to help if we all get clued up on mental illness better because someone you know is going to need your help and understanding when they become ill.

If you had told me at age 17 that I would either be Prime Minister at age 19 or have developed a serious mental illness I would have laughed you out of the room. Well, as it turned out, being Prime Minister was not on the cards but developing manic depression was. As the illness took hold I found myself in the bleakest, most horrendous depths of despair – feeling totally isolated and unable to voice my emotions. My GP wanted me to see a psychiatrist: a PSYCHIATRIST for God’s sake! Did this mean that I was mad? Surely only mental people went to see psychiatrists? On top of all this worry and prejudice I wasn’t exactly sure what a psychiatrist did and speaking to my GP did much to allay my fears. She explained that a psychiatrist is a doctor who would ask me questions about my life to see if there were any problems that needed addressed and, if necessary, he might prescribe some medication. Oh.

Most people find talking about what they are really feeling and thinking very difficult – we all tend to put on this ‘good front’. To suddenly have to be totally open and honest about how you feel is really asking rather a lot of anyone - especially when your seeing someone you may not know very well, only just met or there is a time limit on the appointment. A good way round this I have found is to write down what you feel for real beforehand. For a start it is going to help you voice what is going on and that will help you. I have also found it is a lot easier to hand over that bit of paper or read from it rather than talk about what I am thinking. It’s not that embarrassing, extremely helpful and it is a good starting point (especially if you are not in the mood to talk) Similarly, it can be given to your family or friends and lets them know what you are feeling. I’ve known some people who have almost only communicated in this way and while it is not perfect it has been very helpful and it is start.

I began seeing the psychiatrist fairly regularly and soon came to realise that my illness was based on mixed up brain chemistry as opposed to and social or behavioural problems. Anyway mental ill-health tends to be a bit of a jigsaw – it is usually due to lots of different little things combining to make one big picture and is in no way a failure or weakness. Quite the opposite in fact as it is some achievement to recognise that you might need a hand at this time. You may not actually think there is anything wrong but if you are perhaps drinking to excess, turning to drugs as a means of escape, self-harming, making yourself sick or not eating it is often a sign that something in your bigger picture is wrong and it is worth checking out what could be the problem. Certainly, I drank a lot to escape what was going on in my head. So although it is a terrifying thought if you feel that things don’t seem right about the way your life is or, if someone you know seems to be acting oddly or out of character – can I give you a bit of advice – see a doctor NOW for the sooner things get seen to, the quicker things can be sorted - I for one wish I had acted sooner – trust me, I know what I’m talking about. Even though there were times when I was desperately ill and admitted to hospital it was so serious I came to the decision that this was MY life and I was going to live it to the best of my ability! To do this I have learnt to understand my condition and how to manage it. I really don’t like getting periods of severe depression and with the help of my doctors, professionals, family and friends I have worked out coping strategies to avoid it happening – sure that has meant some changes in my life style but for me it is worth it. My motto is ‘to move forward is to be able to look back and not make the same mistakes.’ That’s all any of us can do, after all. So, just because I have a mental illness it doesn’t stop me being Suzy Johnston and living a valuable and worthwhile life. So if you have a period of depression, stress, anxiety or whatever see someone soon and get it fixed – most people will only have such a problem once in their lifetime and if you meet anyone who tells you that your life is over when you develop a mental illness just say to them “Take a hike!”

Suzy Johnston writes, advises promotes and publishes on mental health awareness issues. Her autobiography, a positive account on living with a mental illness is “The Naked Bird Watcher” ISBN 0954809203, published by The Cairn, and is available at www.thecairn.com , bookshops and internet books sites
My feelings, My friends
I have a very big trouble in my life !!!
i still in this problem since 2 years ago. I have 2 best friends.

I love them and I know They Love me too.One day, there was a girl who make my heart broke.She Took My Best Friend and I don't want to speak with anyone more. If I have a bad feel, I can cut my hand with a cutter and I dont feel pain. I try to tell about my trouble to God. But He Doesn't answer me until now.
Birth mark
i am 15 years old,i am a girl and i am indonesian. i have a very very difficult problems. i have a birth sign in my cheek, this is a black sign, i really hate it!!!!!!! very much, i felt very unconfident, i want to operation to make it disappear!, but my parents do not agree with that, and then what i must supposed to do??, i felt my life is suck, i can`t have a fun life with these problems
My life
my life is so crap iv'e been depressed for years iv'e tried talking about it but it only makes me feel worse, i tried talking to my teacher but she didn't care, i just wanted to talk to her but she just said i should see a counceler or somthing. i showed her all my cuts and scars but she didn't take notice,a few days later i took an overdose on some paracitamal, i can't believe im still alive, my mum took me out of school coz they never tried to help me. a week later i got arested for harassment againts my teacher the one i tried to talk too, i don't know wot to do any more, i have no friends, no-one to talk too i really need help!
Love triangle
well i don't know wht i feeling right now..
happy or sad..???
the boy that become my obsestion say his feeling 2 me..
we luv each other but u know wht...???
we can't be 2gether coz i alredy hve boyfriend and so do him..he already have girlfriend...
call me crazy oe sumthing like that but love is blind...
now i really confuse..
coz he said tht it's ok 2 hve special realation back from my boy n his girl...
but i can't stand 4 d truth..that he already hve spcial realationship w the girl..
u know...it's really hurt me...
we waiting for being a couple since we was in elemantary school..
call me crazy or what..but thts the fact...
we fall in luv since we r in elementary school!!!!
me,my self don't wanna boleve this happen 2 me....
oh my god...
it's 2 painfull 4 me...
u know..
whwn u love each other but u can't be 2gether..
it's 2 hurt 4 me...
wht i'm suppose 2 do with myself........
Never good enough
my best is never good enough fo my mum and i could commit suicide today right now and she wouldnt be able to tell anyone why.

I am dying inside and she doesnt see it...im waiting 4 er 2 save me n notice how upset n depressed i am but she doesnt and i feel like she wont understand my pain until im dead.......but i dont know if i want to die...sometimes i do but other times i dont...becaus e i feel bad about leaving my dad n wonder if he would think hes a bad father because hes not....hes the best father hes even better than those stereotype seventh heaven kinda fathers...he is the ultimate.

i used 2 want 2 b a model and an actress but my mum never wanted success for me like that so my confidence plummeted and now im 2 shy 2 speak 2 a hotdog vendor....i just dont think life is worthh it...what is the god dam point of this whole circus...i donot hav beliefs nymore...my god has failed me if i ever had one...so until next time...if there is one
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